Monday, July 30, 2007
Legal levity
Since the USA has more lawyers than the rest of the world put together, there is what you might call a broad spectrum of competence. The following are all taken from American Court transcripts. There's no tomfoolery in MY Courtroom... Except for the first example, of course.
(In the Family Court with a female Judge, three female lawyers, one female specialist, one female witness, a female respondent and Jon)
JUDGE: ...and in the afternoon we'll allow one break for recess and one for ladies' breaks.
JON: Thank you, your Honour.
And that's about as light as it gets in there! The real stuff is below.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia Gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What School did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
____________________________________________
And the best for last
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
(In the Family Court with a female Judge, three female lawyers, one female specialist, one female witness, a female respondent and Jon)
JUDGE: ...and in the afternoon we'll allow one break for recess and one for ladies' breaks.
JON: Thank you, your Honour.
And that's about as light as it gets in there! The real stuff is below.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia Gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What School did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
____________________________________________
And the best for last
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Would you be so into me...
...if I wasn't a celebrity? The words of the immortal band NSYNC of course, but it's the way everyone's measuring themselves up nowadays. Today I walked into the office of Alistair Paterson, one of the better known lawyers round town, to find him on the 'MyHeritage' site conducting a Celebrity Morph. I realised I was into the spirit of things already when I noticed the guy who walked out when I entered looked suspiciously like Malcolm McDowell. Alistair got a match with Bruce Willis, Jeremy Northam and Robert De Niro, so I was keen to get home and try it out myself.
Perhaps I shouldn't have been quite so keen - my photos are mostly all smiles, which tends to result in the matches turning up girls. Yeah right, I hope I'm not thaaat attractive. After a couple of false starts, a few females, Pat Benetar and Missi Pyle (many times), Charles Bronson and Meatloaf I finally turned up Mark Wahlberg.
The photo above is one of the better ones, ie. it turns up slightly more manly men like Colin Firth, William H. Macy, Jeff Bridges, Brendan Fraser, Joshua Jackson and Cameron Diaz. OK, maybe Cameron is only a man's name but she blows the others (Sean Hayes and Ashton Kutcher) right out of the water in terms of manliness!
Thursday, July 19, 2007
Home truths - which also work in China!
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Of all the interesting food experiences, chunks of pineapple with tomato in between was easily the grossest.
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I like Chinese. It's as true now as it was then; never mind the shocked bystanders.
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Haggling doesn't leave a whole lot of room for flirting, but it can still be achieved.
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The most intense concentration the Beijing Zoo gets is people trying to work out if the pandas are actually alive. The rest concentrate on their iceblocks.
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When a group visits the island at the Summer Palace, at least one group member returns with the secret squirrel demeanour of having embraced the universe.
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The losers aren't necessarily the ones who stick with peach flavour and don't try new things - they may be the ones who eat mung bean ice blocks.
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It's easy to get caught up in the moment and suddenly find you've been swept away in the hype.
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The Great Wall is covered in the Chinese Fencing Act 1521.
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It may be as small as an orange, or as big as a standard 600ml Chinese stubbie, but eating and drinking photos NEVER work.
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The old rule "Maintain your serial killer expression and don't talk on the Subway" is universal.
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Standing outside the Temple of Heaven and offering to show heaven to anyone who walks past doesn't work well; perhaps something is lost in translation.
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The best photos always lack a vital party member.
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Asians like having their photos taken with even the most insignificant of Europeans. Here they pose with a few of the famous ones.
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Embracing nothingness is no longer respected during lunch.
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If you are the one posing directly under a picture of Mao - you end up looking exactly like him.
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An actual slummy slum in Beijing is hard to find.
Thursday, July 05, 2007
China
I touched down in the land of the Yo-yo Ma blues in the middle of the pouring rain. The flight was long and in it I realised that more sleep would have been a good idea, and that Bridge to Terabithia should have been more aptly named "Brushj to Terabithia." Ushj ushj ushj. The weather was muggy, kinda yucky, and my shoes decided to invite most of the water right in. Of course then it was a case of my shoes and socks going compress compress compress compress compress compress until I noticed it no longer. We sat in the traffic for over an hour at one point, and got a pretty darn good (and looong) look at Tianamen Square and the front of the Forbidden City (with Mao's handsome mug plastered above the door). I could probably draw the place from memory now!
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Finally we got to the hotel, then straight out to the markets and some eating place with swings to aid digestion. It turns out herbal jelly isn't a lovely dessert, and eel is pretty good. Haggling at the markets was a totally new thing to me, but Graham was there to halve the offered price, halve it again, halve it once more, then offer one tenth of the result. Amazingly, the vendors were not insulted by the offers! It sounds all good, but it didn't take long to feel overwhelmed.
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The Forbidden City was next on the list, with the best fun being going where we weren't supposed to. Guards actually hiss at you when you do something wrong. My mission was to imitate Jared Leto from 30 Seconds to Mars in the video clip "From Yesterday." Not the most convincing result, but hey, the setting wasn't quite exact.
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Biking in Beijing! Awesome! Orderly chaos! (If that...) It really helps having no hills. And a leader who knows where he's going... Or at least guesses well.
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Dom! I said I'd meet you in Tianamen square at 2pm! What happened??
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The Great Wall was the plan for the second full day. It forms the northern part of the city, but it still takes three hours to get there. When you're there you aquire your own stalkers! They pretend it doesn't cost you anything to have them walking with you, but at the end of the walk they spring you with 'guide fees.' You walk, they walk, you stop, they stop, you hint at them politely to get lost and they 'don't understand.' These people aren't underprivileged! They harass people successfully for a living! So we had to run away. Vanessa did a great job but her old lady ran after her, and even figured out her tricky plan when she dodged around the pillars in guard tower five! Fortunately the ticket collecters pared down the stalkers and we made it to the almost end mostly unharmed. Unfortunately some of us decided that wasn't the end and we walked two more towers straight up. Ushj! I was rather happy to find out we had gone too far and had to turn back. Great beer at the end! Oh, and a decent achievement as well.
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Shopping on the third day was also rather wet, and I got a little carried away. One Rolex, a pair of Diesel shoes, a Nike jacket, X-Files seasons 4,5 and 6, Seasons 1-10 of Friends and Season 6 of Scrubs later I decided I was running low on money. The bonus was the stuff was all 100% genuine :) The Temple of Heaven in the rain was pretty cool, and it was good to be mindful of the fact that there would be double the people if it wasn't raining. Even more fun to stand in the middle of the stone of resonance and sing "I like Chinese." And then get shot.
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Last day already? Ushj! We made up for it by going to the Zoo, then the Summer Palace. Saw more animals at the Summer Palace. Not really, but every man and his dog decided to do exactly what we were doing that day. That didn't stop me finding plenty of time for embracing the universe at the Hall of Embracing the Universe, which was covered in scaffolding which looked really authentic, Chinese and appropriate. We went round the lake anticlockwise (clever, eh?) and under the 750m mural. They say that it is so beautiful that no couple can walk under it and come out the other side unengaged. Luckily I was walking with Mike, so I emerged from the other side engaged to him. Glad I wasn't walking with Mum, that would have been too weird! Then I figured Sheryl might get mad if she found out I was engaged to her husband, so I quietly broke it off. It turned out anyway that Mike was unaware of our whole thing. OK, that joke ends there!
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That same night we made it back late, but just in time to hit the town and eat scorpions on a stick! You won't believe it, but they tasted great! Like chicken, of course.
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We were all rather sad to say goodbye, but we did get a glimpse of Singapore on the way back, with a two and a half hour trip through the city.
Made a rather good week, really. Back to the coal face. Right now it's snowing outside, and I've just been informed the water in the shower has gone cold. Life is harsh, eh?
