Procrastination Opportunist

My usage of Dr Seuss' illustrations comes under "Fair Use" in international copyright law. The pictures are a visual aid only; the writing is my own. I do not seek to replicate any of Dr. Seuss' work in its entirety, nor claim any part of it as mine.





It is dedicated to the loveable Mr. Diack.





Jon.

Every so often in my line of work one comes across a real gem. Of course confidentiality often means laughing alone, but fortunately this particular matter was not based around who the person was and sharing doesn't constitute a breach of privacy (he wasn't a client.)

I represented a young lady trying to get her overbearing man off her back. After writing a letter to her man, I got a brilliant one back, from his father. In it he used the most magnificent malapropisms which were amazingly appropriate.

Anxious to prove he had a keen legal mind, he questioned my methods and described the situation, using intelligent words like 'refrain' (desist), 'tirade' (a long, angry speech) and 'conscientious' (caring, guided by conscience). Or so he thought. It came across a little like this: "every time your client called up we received a torrid of abuse." Perhaps this sounded so good that he used the word three times in the same context! Funny how much the word suited, eh?

In questioning me: "I suggest you reframe from putting in writing..." Again, genius! If the word fits, wear it!

But the best one of all: "My son feels he is a contentious parent." !!! Funny, I'm pretty sure that's what my letter suggested the whole way through. I am glad we agreed on something!

The typical guy response to an OLD cliched internet list is in bold. OK, maybe it's just my response? It didn't take long to go downhill...


45 things girls love.

1-touch their waist. The waist is fine, but hands off the pockets.
2-talk to them. Talk is also fine, but not during House, Boston Legal, Desperate Housewives, Heroes or The Simpsons.
3-share secrets. Share food.
4-give her your jacket. Don't keep the jacket though; machismo wears out on the cold walk home.
5-kiss them slowly. Quick kisses are preferable,however, before work, during the abovementioned programs, or only if really necessary, in public.
6-hug her. Same as above, if a security pillow isn't preferred.
7-hold her. Same as above, if a security pillow isn't preferred.
8-laugh with her. But she's gotta be funny too. Guys can't do all the work.
9-invite her somewhere. Talk about needing to pad out the 45!
10-let her be with you when you're with your friends. If she likes drinking beer and watching sports.
11-smile with her. And occasionally at her. But not in a serial killer kind of way.
12-take pics with her. And of her. But not in a serial killer kind of way.
13-pull her onto your lap. But not in a serial... ah, you get the picture.
14-when she says she loves you more, deny it. fight back. Or just have a real fight to prove it.
15-when her friends say i love her more than you, deny it. fight back and hug her tight so she cant get to her friends. it makes her feel loved. But not if by 'her friends' she means a ... uh... 'friend about a dog'... Hugging real tight for ages doesn't pay off then.

Are you thinking about someone?

16-always hug her and say i love you when you see her. Not her friends. That doesn’t go down well.
17-kiss her unexpectedly. Like when she’s driving on icy roads.
18-HUG HER FROM BEHIND AROUND THE WAIST. But make sure the person you're hugging is actually her first.
19-tell her shes beautiful not sexy! Because women don’t like to know they’re sexy!
20-tell her the way you feel about her! By using words like fulgent, indefatigable, peccadillo, sartorial and pharmacopoeia. Good luck working those into a sentence.

U NEED TO SHOW HER U MEAN IT TOO

21-kiss her on the lips. Again, the lips have to be hers.
22-DONT ask her to buy you stuff. you buy HER stuff. You buy her stuff off her?
23-TELL HER WHAT FEELS GOOD. But be tactful. Obvious traps for young players.
24-make her feel loved. By doing. Trap number 2. Sending out ‘Warm Fuzzies’ achieves little.
25-buy her stuff. small things can still help. Strangely no option is given if she doesn’t want to sell her stuff?

we might deny it but we accutally like and kinda want you to get us things

26-don't lie to her. Unless it makes everything better.
27-dont cheat on her. Unless it makes everything better.
28-take her anywhere she wants. But limit it to within the suburb.
29-txt messege or call her in the morning and tell her have a good day at school, and how much you miss her. Of course if you’re text messaging her telling her to have a good day at school, sooner or later you’ll be texting her from jail.
30-be there for her when ever she needs you, & even when she doesn't need you, just be there so she'll know that she can always count on you. But not when she *really* doesn’t need you. Funny how they let you just walk into this one.

are you still reading this u better be its important

31. Hold her close when she's cold and she can hold you too. Totally different from #7.
32. When you are alone hold her close and kiss her. In public, however, act like you don’t know her.
33. Kiss her on the cheek; (it will give her the hint that you want to kiss them). Kiss her on the back. It makes no sense and she’ll wonder what the hell you’re doing.
34. While in the movie, put your arm around her and then she will automatically put her head on your shoulder, then lean in and tilt her chin up and kiss her lightly. Then you will automatically be married and have kids. It’s foolproof.
35. Dont ever tell her to leave even jokingly or act like you're mad. If she’s upset, comfort her. But if *she* wants to do any of these things, it’s totally OK.

remember this next time you are with her

36. When people diss her, stand up for her. Unless you think up a really good diss for her, then you so have to say it!
37. Look deep into her eyes and tell her you love her. Even if you don’t.
38. Lay down under the stars and put her head on your chest so she can listen to the steady beat of your heart, Link your fingers together while you whisper to her as she rests her eyes and listens to you. But try to say sensible things. The last visit to Granny’s house or tea on Friday aren’t good topics here.
39. When walking next to each other grab her hand. And keep it.
40. When you hug her hold her in your arms as long as possible. cf. #15

MAKE SURE SHE KNOWS SHES LOVED

41. Call her at night to wish her sweet dreams. At 2am. She loves that time the most.
42. Comfort her when she cries and wipe away her tears. With the rag you’ve just been working under your car with.
43. Take her for long walks at night. Down dark alleys in King’s Cross, The Bronx or even the red light district. The palpable danger is very romantic.
44. Always Remind her how much you love her. Call her every 5 minutes to make sure she doesn’t forget.

youll never know when she needs just a lil more love

45. never tell her you love her, unless u truely mean it with all of your heart. Bummer if you were following this guide as a step-by-step and you’d done it all perfectly until you were black-flagged by this question!

Keep scrolling down...

These and the pics in the posts below took FOREVER to upload, so, dear readers, make sure you look through all of them. And don't hesitate to warn me if you're getting sick of this recent rash of blogging!

New... Actually old... pictures abound! Dom got a DVD off Luke with all the Realise pictures from 2004 onward. Here's a sample. As you can see, I had trouble finding decent ones with me in them.

http://heretodaybutgonetomorrow.blogspot.com/

3 posts in one day is more than enough! Phew! People might think I have no life!

create your own visited country map
or check our Venice travel guide


Hmm... I even included China - and I'm only going there on 26 June - and Mauritius; a plane refuel stop over!

Thanks to the decent blog that gave me this idea: http://sirhcllenrad.blogspot.com/

That's more like how blogs should appear.

http://lettersacross.blogspot.com/

Ugh. Just an example of what I'm talking about. And it's only one of many I could have picked when I sat down tonight and hit the 'next blog' button until I found something of note. Well, that didn't happen. I found plenty of sites which use far, far too many words in a seemingly arbitrary fashion. This site simply transcended the ether of superfluity into the realms of verbosity previously unadulterated by human minds. Ushj, now I'm all caught up in it.

Online diaries are playing havoc with the perceived 'need' to post. Remember the old adage 'if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all'?

If you can't blog anything sensible (or coherent, at the very least), don't blog anything at all!

Of course each of the blog links on the right of this page receive my personal recommendation and do not fit the aforementioned supreme goat-getting category. Keep up the good work.