Wednesday, October 18, 2006
Regular Criticisms
Look what I found! I kept all my weekly Critic postings from last year! I'll put half in now... well, the ones that don't completely rely on other letters to make sense... and some that do. I'll hold the other half off for next time I have no idea what to write. Almost every time, eh?
8 Aug 2005
Dear Critic,
Every time I read the letters page, I have to resist the urge to run out and beat your correspondents with a dictionary, a grammar volume, or just a two-by-four with a couple of rusty nails through the end. So now everyone’s a satirist and a spellchecker? There is much to comment on from last week’s Critic:
Anna – Every sentence needs a verb. Anna bad.
d’Ugh – If you could use the same material to create every living organism, for, let’s say, cost and time efficiency, you’d rather spend a few thousand years faffing around, creating new DNA for a bit of variety?
Elizabeth Bennet – What is an Arts degree worth, exactly? It didn’t teach you the refinement and decorum your favourite novels are virtually oozing with. Leave the bad language to the boys. Yes, I have done a BA. I kicked myself for wasting three years, and then did an LLB.
Ryan Brown-Haysom – Sorry, I didn’t realise you were a Christian, just as you may not have realised that I went to the zoo once, and now I’m a panda bear. Poking fun at religion is fine, but your take on it is more Marilyn Manson than Adrian Plass.
William Shake-my-speare – Keep up the good work, shame on the editor for not printing your letter last week.
So much more to write, only 250 words to write it in!
Doogle.
Dear Critic,
Does no-one write anything positive anymore? I thought if I did, I’d be the only clown doing so, so rather than that, I’ll sum up all the other mail in this one. This should save our good editor topping herself from letter-induced depression, not to mention preserving a few of those glossy trees this glossy paper is made from. Circle those options that apply.
Dear Critic,
Life sucks. I am an arts student / overly sensitive / Liz Shaw and I am bored with nothing else to do / feeling persecuted / gifted with the ability to find offence in anything. I think my allowance is too low / I am the prime target of global conspiracies against humanity / very, very rarely and I believe that everyone else is wrong / the sun will never shine again / writing to the Critic will solve all my problems.
Yours in all seriousness,
Oppressed Minority.
P.S. Random moaning, sundry whining.
Doogle.
Dear Critic,
In South Africa at the moment there is a backlash of too much affirmative action. Too many unskilled black people were put into positions of power to balance the colour ratio and now the country is paying for it. How long before we see the same trend all over the world between men and women? Women are definitely not unskilled, but they have forever been campaigning for equal rights, and are even given their own week for their cause. When will they decide they finally are on an equal footing with their male counterparts? (And they aren’t already? Women are apparently running the country!) Suppose they do, then will the endless campaigning and women’s weeks just stop? Will bra burning cease? Will wives start beating their husbands? Will an annual men’s week begin?
Doogle
P.S. William Shake-my-speare – Ha ha! You amuse me, little man, but don’t flatter yourself about it. However, do call on me when you have to appear in court for all those child molestation charges you so rampantly accuse others of, so I can laugh at you then too. Yeah, you’ll recognise me. I’ll be the Crown counsel for prosecution.
12 September 2005
Dear Robbie,
Last week’s ‘letter of the week’ would have even Stephen La Roche ashamed to admit he wrote it. To the author, the word ‘lampoon’ would mean nothing more than a big barbed spear with a light on the end! Two weeks ago I wrote in to the Critic with a tongue-in-cheek opinion, satirizing the future of Women’s Week in an overindulgently politically correct society. 99.9% of readers understood that, one did not, and was not even tipped off by the deliberate misspelling of my name, which in itself suggests a not-so-serious outlook. Yes, women are ostensibly running the country, under the guise of a female Prime Minister and female Chief Justice, while the rest of the parliamentarians, judges and even members of the business round table are predominantly male. But that wasn’t the point; it was a joke, something that the author probably needs an interpreter for. There are no shades of grey for him, just absolutes. Do you know who I’m talking about? Oh dear, silly me, writing about him in the third person, which goes over the heads of many, just like anything written in a sardonic fashion. I was going to ask him for my share of his $30 book voucher, given I provided the material, but decided he could use it better to buy one of those black and yellow covered books entitled ‘Irony for Dummies.’
Doogle.
Dear Critic,
Last week I was walking through the Link, and ran into Mum and two of my little brothers having lunch there. I grew out of being embarrassed by that long ago, but I was very embarrassed by the dirty R18 rag on the table beside them, within reach of the nine-year-old. Just when I thought the Critic had hit new lows with the ‘Boring’ theme two weeks ago, they come up with the ‘Foul and Depraved’ theme, which had many readers retching. Freedom of speech means few boundaries, but that doesn’t mean that all decency should be dispensed with, and just because it can be disgusting doesn’t mean people want it to be that way. Clean up your act!
Doogle.
Blast from the past eh? Wait till you see the next instalment!
8 Aug 2005
Dear Critic,
Every time I read the letters page, I have to resist the urge to run out and beat your correspondents with a dictionary, a grammar volume, or just a two-by-four with a couple of rusty nails through the end. So now everyone’s a satirist and a spellchecker? There is much to comment on from last week’s Critic:
Anna – Every sentence needs a verb. Anna bad.
d’Ugh – If you could use the same material to create every living organism, for, let’s say, cost and time efficiency, you’d rather spend a few thousand years faffing around, creating new DNA for a bit of variety?
Elizabeth Bennet – What is an Arts degree worth, exactly? It didn’t teach you the refinement and decorum your favourite novels are virtually oozing with. Leave the bad language to the boys. Yes, I have done a BA. I kicked myself for wasting three years, and then did an LLB.
Ryan Brown-Haysom – Sorry, I didn’t realise you were a Christian, just as you may not have realised that I went to the zoo once, and now I’m a panda bear. Poking fun at religion is fine, but your take on it is more Marilyn Manson than Adrian Plass.
William Shake-my-speare – Keep up the good work, shame on the editor for not printing your letter last week.
So much more to write, only 250 words to write it in!
Doogle.
Dear Critic,
Does no-one write anything positive anymore? I thought if I did, I’d be the only clown doing so, so rather than that, I’ll sum up all the other mail in this one. This should save our good editor topping herself from letter-induced depression, not to mention preserving a few of those glossy trees this glossy paper is made from. Circle those options that apply.
Dear Critic,
Life sucks. I am an arts student / overly sensitive / Liz Shaw and I am bored with nothing else to do / feeling persecuted / gifted with the ability to find offence in anything. I think my allowance is too low / I am the prime target of global conspiracies against humanity / very, very rarely and I believe that everyone else is wrong / the sun will never shine again / writing to the Critic will solve all my problems.
Yours in all seriousness,
Oppressed Minority.
P.S. Random moaning, sundry whining.
Doogle.
Dear Critic,
In South Africa at the moment there is a backlash of too much affirmative action. Too many unskilled black people were put into positions of power to balance the colour ratio and now the country is paying for it. How long before we see the same trend all over the world between men and women? Women are definitely not unskilled, but they have forever been campaigning for equal rights, and are even given their own week for their cause. When will they decide they finally are on an equal footing with their male counterparts? (And they aren’t already? Women are apparently running the country!) Suppose they do, then will the endless campaigning and women’s weeks just stop? Will bra burning cease? Will wives start beating their husbands? Will an annual men’s week begin?
Doogle
P.S. William Shake-my-speare – Ha ha! You amuse me, little man, but don’t flatter yourself about it. However, do call on me when you have to appear in court for all those child molestation charges you so rampantly accuse others of, so I can laugh at you then too. Yeah, you’ll recognise me. I’ll be the Crown counsel for prosecution.
12 September 2005
Dear Robbie,
Last week’s ‘letter of the week’ would have even Stephen La Roche ashamed to admit he wrote it. To the author, the word ‘lampoon’ would mean nothing more than a big barbed spear with a light on the end! Two weeks ago I wrote in to the Critic with a tongue-in-cheek opinion, satirizing the future of Women’s Week in an overindulgently politically correct society. 99.9% of readers understood that, one did not, and was not even tipped off by the deliberate misspelling of my name, which in itself suggests a not-so-serious outlook. Yes, women are ostensibly running the country, under the guise of a female Prime Minister and female Chief Justice, while the rest of the parliamentarians, judges and even members of the business round table are predominantly male. But that wasn’t the point; it was a joke, something that the author probably needs an interpreter for. There are no shades of grey for him, just absolutes. Do you know who I’m talking about? Oh dear, silly me, writing about him in the third person, which goes over the heads of many, just like anything written in a sardonic fashion. I was going to ask him for my share of his $30 book voucher, given I provided the material, but decided he could use it better to buy one of those black and yellow covered books entitled ‘Irony for Dummies.’
Doogle.
Dear Critic,
Last week I was walking through the Link, and ran into Mum and two of my little brothers having lunch there. I grew out of being embarrassed by that long ago, but I was very embarrassed by the dirty R18 rag on the table beside them, within reach of the nine-year-old. Just when I thought the Critic had hit new lows with the ‘Boring’ theme two weeks ago, they come up with the ‘Foul and Depraved’ theme, which had many readers retching. Freedom of speech means few boundaries, but that doesn’t mean that all decency should be dispensed with, and just because it can be disgusting doesn’t mean people want it to be that way. Clean up your act!
Doogle.
Blast from the past eh? Wait till you see the next instalment!
# posted by Jon @ 1:54 AM 
