Procrastination Opportunist

If you know me you know my dislike of all things Saturday-morning-cartoony. Cartoons these days suck. The animation sucks. The storylines suck. They don't seem to teach kids much aside from fart jokes and how to be even more ADHD. What happened to the good old days of cartoons of my youth, like He-Man, and Thundercats, and ...um... Rainbow Brite?

But then I realised the extent of my hypocrisy. What about those cartoons one forgets about because they aren't for children? No, not some sort of Disney porn; I refer to the kind of humour parents don't want their children exposed to because it would mean having to field some awkward questions later. I mean, I recall even Animaniacs being vaguely borderline at times, and Adventure Time with Finn and Jake deals involves the odd surprisingly adult situation.

But to get on with it, there is the Simpsons of course. An old favourite, and a little old hat. There is Futurama, still funny after all these years; they should stop cancelling it. However, the funniest of all has to be Archer. A cartoon mysogynistic alcoholic narcissistic spy, with something of an Oedipus complex. One of the oldest types of parodies in the book, and yet it's laugh out loud funny.

Then there's The Venture Brothers. It could almost be a Saturday morning cartoon! It has the right formula: mad scientist, two adventurous sons, lots of supervillans.... many carnal references and a womanizing bodyguard. Perhaps it does go a little far.

And Frisky Dingo. Who could forget that. It looks like they cooked each episode up in about haldf an hour, but they can be forgiven for that. Strangely enough, it's kind of a mixture of the above two cartoons put together, if that makes sense. Which it does not. You're just gonna have to take my ramblings at face value.

Just remember, not all cartoons are for kids. I remember my mother saying words to that effect about 20 years ago when I wanted to watch the Simpsons! I guess I never really moved on?

No one else has grasped the concept yet, and my colleagues don't quite understand my enthusiasm for it, but it is only a matter of time before it catches on. Just think of all the time you've wasted watching movies. All the suspenseful scenes that could have moved slightly quicker? All the cringe-worthy moments that you just wished were over?? Now they can be!

With movies in fast forward, everything moves at your pace. Want to fit in a quick movie before you go to work? While you prepare dinner? In a commercial break? Well, you can. It's the super simple combination of subtitles and the fast forward function (best operated on an Xbox 360 or with VLC media player).

I mean, does this really sound that outlandish? What if the movie you rent really sucks? Isn't it better to get it over with in half an hour than it is to waste the rental fee by not watching it? Or what about one of those must-see movies that everyone raves about but you just cannot be bothered with? I tell you, it's quick and painless. Double or even triple fast forward speed means less of your time is consumed, and it increases your speed reading skill to boot.

I've noticed those looks of envy when I've walked into work and asked, "Well, I watched five movies last night; was your Tuesday evening as productive as mine?"

Just think; the time you spend watching movies could be better spent... Watching more movies!

It's not a common phenomenon, so it just makes the sporadic instances more galling... I'm talking about that one line of a song that just ruins it for you. Whether it's out of place or out of sync, there is something about it that just grates. Like the 'sha la la la la' in Texas' "Put your arms around me".

Maybe this sounds like the most random of gripes, but my pet peeve came roaring back to me while I was listening to the album "Encounter" by The Green Children. Soaring melodies, cute lyrics, sure, their song "Skies on fire" has the best of it all:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1DQhSgcrYQU&feature=relmfu

But just what is with the line "How it feels to get close to you.... like a rainbow (!?)" I mean, that's totally incongruous! It's not an imaginative simile, and it's not said ironically, so I suppose they're serious. Perhaps with a name like The Green Children they wish to set the bar low.

And the rest is history. Man, did the rest of that story get old fast.

For something completely different, here's a list of things that were only cool once:

1. Chatter rings
2. Napster
3. Tamagotchis
4. Pillow fights, vampire wars, and 'poking' on Facebook
5. Flash mobs
6. Pauly Shore