Procrastination Opportunist

Sally Jessy, Rikki Lake, Jerry Springer, ... Penn and Teller??

2011-12-09T16:38:00.000-08:00

So I went to see Penn and Teller last night at the O2. It wasn't quite what I expected. The magic tricks they did were amazing, and they truly are the best magic duo in terms of the way they work together. They even had Paul Daniels make a special guest appearance. BUT... 90% of the show was talking! It felt like something was rather off: rather akin to going to see Gordon Ramsay swim a couple of lengths or booking a night out to watch Sting darn a sock.

Penn is a great talker, sure, but there is a reason that he and Teller are magicians, not politicians. And anyway, people don't pay for an evening out at the O2 to go see politicians speak!

I wasn't the only one in the theatre who felt ripped off - you should have seen my 10 year old cousin! P&T pulled off about 5 tricks; all with the usual "we don't care" schtick. One trick involved the typical cups and balls, carried off brilliantly, but the twist was that they then *repeated* the trick with transparent cups, so you could see exactly what they were doing. Strangely, this didn't ruin it, as they explained exactly what they were doing, albeit very quickly, throughout. This kinda made it cooler. Another trick consisted of fooling only one volunteer who had her eyes closed while rings were interlinked with her arms and round her neck, etc. Again, the audience could see how it was done, and could see that it must have been truly amazing for the volunteer. This was also pulled off very well.

However, all of this was interspersed with Paul Daniels asking Penn and Teller relatively unexciting questions about their history and past TV appearances. You might say the show lost its magic halfway through, ho ho. Towards the end, they even opened up the floor to questions from the audience, which would have been cool, if not for the inane British knobs who got up and asked silly questions to appear clever.

Paul Daniels did no tricks. He just sat there looking OLD.

Single? Go gothic!

2011-12-04T14:40:00.000-08:00

Originally I had planned to write about the strangely attractive "bad look" in girls. However, there are always the odd few that would find that kind of comment a little more significant than it actually is. Like Mum would, if she read this blog.

Additionally, while dreads/tattoos/piercings have their own kind of appeal, that's where the appeal ends. Where the alternative look meets the alternative lifestyle, it all goes downhill. Plus there are relatively few of these kind of girls in my circles (unless you count my clients) and few among professionals in general. (I suppose there are also arguably very few well adjusted dreaded pierced tattooed girls that one would rush home to introduce to one's mother, in any event!)

But down to the point - it is usually guaranteed that these types of girls are attached to hippie alternative boyfriends. It kinda makes me wonder if it is a chicken and egg scenario... Did they have the look before they hooked up, or was the look, um, "cultivated," for the purpose of hooking up? My brother told me a few years ago that he knew a rather plain jane who never got a whole lot of attention from guys. But then came her pseudo-gothic sem-hippie makeover, and she had a new guy every week! Well, I guess she lived happily ever after. I had a very similar story about an acquaintance of mine, but I didn't want to cause distaste by describing the made-over girl I knew as a plain jane!

Revisiting my childhood - thank you Adult Swim!

2011-11-27T14:50:00.000-08:00

If you know me you know my dislike of all things Saturday-morning-cartoony. Cartoons these days suck. The animation sucks. The storylines suck. They don't seem to teach kids much aside from fart jokes and how to be even more ADHD. What happened to the good old days of cartoons of my youth, like He-Man, and Thundercats, and ...um... Rainbow Brite?

But then I realised the extent of my hypocrisy. What about those cartoons one forgets about because they aren't for children? No, not some sort of Disney porn; I refer to the kind of humour parents don't want their children exposed to because it would mean having to field some awkward questions later. I mean, I recall even Animaniacs being vaguely borderline at times, and Adventure Time with Finn and Jake deals involves the odd surprisingly adult situation.

But to get on with it, there is the Simpsons of course. An old favourite, and a little old hat. There is Futurama, still funny after all these years; they should stop cancelling it. However, the funniest of all has to be Archer. A cartoon mysogynistic alcoholic narcissistic spy, with something of an Oedipus complex. One of the oldest types of parodies in the book, and yet it's laugh out loud funny.

Then there's The Venture Brothers. It could almost be a Saturday morning cartoon! It has the right formula: mad scientist, two adventurous sons, lots of supervillans.... many carnal references and a womanizing bodyguard. Perhaps it does go a little far.

And Frisky Dingo. Who could forget that. It looks like they cooked each episode up in about haldf an hour, but they can be forgiven for that. Strangely enough, it's kind of a mixture of the above two cartoons put together, if that makes sense. Which it does not. You're just gonna have to take my ramblings at face value.

Just remember, not all cartoons are for kids. I remember my mother saying words to that effect about 20 years ago when I wanted to watch the Simpsons! I guess I never really moved on?

Flash Forward

2011-11-23T14:21:00.001-08:00

No one else has grasped the concept yet, and my colleagues don't quite understand my enthusiasm for it, but it is only a matter of time before it catches on. Just think of all the time you've wasted watching movies. All the suspenseful scenes that could have moved slightly quicker? All the cringe-worthy moments that you just wished were over?? Now they can be!

With movies in fast forward, everything moves at your pace. Want to fit in a quick movie before you go to work? While you prepare dinner? In a commercial break? Well, you can. It's the super simple combination of subtitles and the fast forward function (best operated on an Xbox 360 or with VLC media player).

I mean, does this really sound that outlandish? What if the movie you rent really sucks? Isn't it better to get it over with in half an hour than it is to waste the rental fee by not watching it? Or what about one of those must-see movies that everyone raves about but you just cannot be bothered with? I tell you, it's quick and painless. Double or even triple fast forward speed means less of your time is consumed, and it increases your speed reading skill to boot.

I've noticed those looks of envy when I've walked into work and asked, "Well, I watched five movies last night; was your Tuesday evening as productive as mine?"

Just think; the time you spend watching movies could be better spent... Watching more movies!

One lyric to ruin them all...

2011-11-22T14:33:00.000-08:00

It's not a common phenomenon, so it just makes the sporadic instances more galling... I'm talking about that one line of a song that just ruins it for you. Whether it's out of place or out of sync, there is something about it that just grates. Like the 'sha la la la la' in Texas' "Put your arms around me".

Maybe this sounds like the most random of gripes, but my pet peeve came roaring back to me while I was listening to the album "Encounter" by The Green Children. Soaring melodies, cute lyrics, sure, their song "Skies on fire" has the best of it all:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1DQhSgcrYQU&feature=relmfu

But just what is with the line "How it feels to get close to you.... like a rainbow (!?)" I mean, that's totally incongruous! It's not an imaginative simile, and it's not said ironically, so I suppose they're serious. Perhaps with a name like The Green Children they wish to set the bar low.

Abort...

2011-11-21T14:35:00.000-08:00

And the rest is history. Man, did the rest of that story get old fast.

For something completely different, here's a list of things that were only cool once:

1. Chatter rings
2. Napster
3. Tamagotchis
4. Pillow fights, vampire wars, and 'poking' on Facebook
5. Flash mobs
6. Pauly Shore

Part Drei

2010-07-27T01:45:00.000-07:00

With Heidelburg behind us, we pressed on to Frankfurt. It had begun to dawn on me that we would be pushed for time in returning the rental car. I started to entertain all sorts of visions of enormous financial penalties, which were not helped by us arriving at the airport and having to head back out again because we (I) had forgotten to fill the tank up. If you neglect to do so, Hertz informed us they would charge 3€ per litre! Filling it up at the service station was no problem - the problem began when I tried to start the car again and nothing happened. No combination of foot on the brake, foot on the clutch, foot halfway down on the clutch, foot on the brake and clutch, foot out the window, would start the car! Finally, before I gave up and resorted to asking someone for assistance, Mon asked to try, and wouldn't you know it, the car started. She maintains that she didn't know what she did - I suspect sabotage.

Once the car was successfully returned we took a taxi to our hotel. However, the man at the hotel told us that he had a large group of Asian tourists staying with him, all of whom had been forced to stay a further night because of some flight issues, and our room was therefore unavailable. Of course, we saw straight through this; it was much better business for him to have a bunch of people staying another night than it was to have us stay one night only! He sent us to a hotel across the street where he had paid for a room for us. We set ourselves up in the unexpected hotel, and then walked down towards the river. We stopped at a bar on the way and enjoyed some apple wine, which appeared to be more of the flat cider persuasion than wine. Apparently the bar was sold out of pretty much everything else, since the FIFA quarterfinals had just occurred. This did not worry me too much, and so after finishing up (one large glass, no effects felt) we walked down to the waterfront and took pictures of the Frankfurt skyline, which, Mon reported, is supposed to be one of the best. On our way back we stopped at a dairy to get some water and Mon amused me, but not herself, by accidentally purchasing sparkling water, which she only discovered once we were back in the lobby of the hotel. While I can stomach the stuff, I do not know why Germans drink it by choice! Mon, however, was unable to take so much as a sip without feeling sick, and so I had to return to the shops to buy the right stuff.

The sleeping arrangements were strange; while they claim twin share, the beds were actually pushed together, and did not appear to be movable. Thus Mon began a strange act of dragging her mattress onto the floor, claiming it would be a few degrees cooler down there. Because she went through this effort, it meant that I did not have to, so it was fine with me.

After a roasting night, we returned to the first hotel for breakfast, which was very pleasant. Germans like their pastries, boiled eggs and nutella, and I like that they like this. Naturally, I tried to fool Mon again by bringing her sparkling water, but she could see the bubbles, dammit.

Following breakfast, we took a trip to the Franfurt Zoo, which was, I have to say, more impressive than anything we have in New Zealand, but probably run of the mill to the locals. They of course had lions and tigers and bears, oh my, but also huge ape enclosures where Mon felt right at home. The best part was an island in the middle of a large pond in which two monkeys were playing tag. The island was planted out in trees and ropes had also been put up, which gave the monkeys a lot of freedom to move around, and at some speed.

Finally the time had come to go, and we returned to the hotel to grab our stuff, check out, and catch the subway to the airport. We made it there with only minor incident when we were unsure of which train went to the airport, and the only fellow available to ask spoke no English. In my haste I fumbled and nearly forgot the word 'flughafen' for airport, but once he heard that he was able at least to point us in the right direction.

We flew to Berlin on a one hour flight, where we enjoyed a four or five hour wait for our connecting flight to Helsinki. I was excited by the presence of a Burger King, but Mon was not so overjoyed, so we found a slightly more costly place called 'The Red Baron' where we had smoothies and lingered for a while. After we left, Mon then decided to my chagrin that she wanted the soup from that place. Females. We trundled back and shamefacedly booked another table for Mon to recommence her meal.

Once that was all over, we walked to our gate and I was stoked to see that the security officer bore a real resemblance to Doogle. Also like Doogle, he kinda went to town on the rubdown, which I wasn't so stoked about. With my dignity impugned, we went to sit with the masses in a large noisy hall to wait for our flight to Helsinki.

Part 2

2010-07-22T17:00:00.000-07:00

I just realised the very real danger of forgetting entirely what happened on my trip - it is starting to get a little hazy already. Although that could simply be the hour that I have chosen to compose this entry.

So anyway, the next morning I woke up in France and immediately felt like waking up in France should have been more of a compelling experience. However, the sleep wasn't real, being of the Zoplicone-induced variety, and I was still thoroughly jet lagged, so perhaps I expected too much too soon. I don't know if Mon felt any more special than I did, but I suspect not (unless of course feeling special also makes her grumpy - but two days in to our travels, this behaviour was already water off a duck's back to me). We went downstairs and bought pastries for breakfast at a nice little bakery with nice big prices. We walked around a little more and ate our breakfast by the river, but decided we did not need to stick around too much longer, as we had a bit of ground to cover and we did not want to have to start paying for the park we were in.

We packed up our stuff and set the GPS to take us to some random town in the middle of the Black Forest, partly because we wanted to go back a different way, partly because the Black Forest was bound to be full of novel inhabitants such as goblins and witches. The roads got very narrow, and we ended up entering the Black Forest via a town that essentially doubled as a pass. The road got steeper and narrower, and unfortunately I had to drive more slowly (down to 90km/h or so) because there was the danger of running into another car, driven by an unforgiving German driver, coming down the hill. When we finally reached the top of the hill, we stopped to get out at a lookout, where I tried in vain to take some photos with the necessary human interest in the foreground, while Mon took shots of scenery. You may think to call it 'necessary' is rather picky, but in fact I have good reason for doing so: a few years ago I went to my grandparents' place while on holiday. While there, they invited their friend around, who brought a whole bunch of slides with him. Although a little old fashioned, I had no problem with this, until I realised none, but none, of the slides contained so much as a human life form. And there were a lot of slides. Each new slide containing another view, or another building, or another rose bush, seemed to protract the whole affair by 10 minutes a pop. Perhaps I simply had no patience, but it certainly ingrained a desire within me never to subject anyone else to that while showing them my holiday snaps. Mon and I also found that the amazing view did not translate to digital imagery so well (and at least a person or two in the foreground then gives a reason for the picture).

Farther along the road we came to what appeared to be a walkway to another lookout. The German signboard was singularly unhelpful in everything but its diagram of the loop track. With little effort we made it to the lookout, a structure atop some counter-intuitive steps. I managed to fool a couple of dog owners into believing I was German, which turned out to be a shame, as I never did figure out what was wrong with their dog, other than the fact that its hindquarter was involved. The dog was quite amusing - it was completely distrustful of the steps and shuffled along very slowly. More than once its paw went through a crack, causing the dog to lie flat for a while, not quite knowing what to do. We moved on after exploring a little more of the exceedingly unconventional boardwalk, which appeared to serve no purpose other than looking like it was built by Dr Seuss. At this stage, Mon developed a headache and dehydration, which upon reflection may have been a ploy to get me back to the car because she was unfortunately not wearing sensible shows.

The next stop for us was another random little town on the outskirts of the Black Forest. We walked around briefly, and then set the GPS for Baden-Baden. When we arrived, we parked up and I decided to wow my audience by ordering a pastry in German. All went well until I did not hear her question and so responded with 'wie bitte?' She repeated her own question in perfect English. Hmph. I did get another chance when I ordered my own lunch, however, as the burger stand lady did not understand any English (one of the few on the whole trip) and I was not prepared to compromise by having tomato on my burger.

We drove to Heidelburg next, and completely failed to see the famed Heidelburg castle. It was evidently hiding in the trees somewhere; we found the railcar which went to it, and thought we could dodge the fare by simply driving up, but this took us much too far up, and we couldn't look down on it from on high either. So I contented myself with marvelling at the radio tower. On the way out of town the GPS led us on a merry dance, as the only exit appeared to be blocked by roadworks, and no amount of driving 'in the general direction' would persuade the GPS lady to change her mind. Finally, only by giving in to her, we escaped the Blair Witch situation.

Intrepid travellers

2010-07-18T14:43:00.000-07:00

OK, this is cheating, as I am writing this entry well after the events took place. At least I now know the ending was happy (by which I mean no death).

I started my trip on the morning of Friday 2 July 2010 with a trip in to work. It wasn't supposed to happen that way, but work has a habit of filling the amount of available time in which to do it.

After the initial rush and stress, and once everything was under control, leaving was rather sad. Naturally because I was leaving work and colleagues behind, but also because I had briefed the new staff member, David Sim, that morning, who was so relaxed and capable that it felt a real shame to be missing out on working with him presently.

Goodbyes had sort of already been said, as I had had a leaving party the previous evening and drinks in the mid-morning of that same day. At those drinks I was presented by my colleagues with gifts for travel, including, I was later to find, a plug for converting all sorts of foreign plugs to New Zealand power sources, very useful if I had toured the world already, bringing home all sorts of weird and wonderful appliances, but less useful for my purposes. However, goodbyes were no less difficult. Mix was very helpful - I had still not packed properly and so I totally scammed him into helping me move my stuff into storage.

When I finally left work at 1pm or so, I was stoked to pass Mike Crowl on the street. The man had been trying to avoid my goodbyes (completely accidentally, I realised) but he could not escape the spectacle I created by hooting and parking very quickly and unevenly on yellow lines, to rush over and hug him.

I arrived in Christchurch at 5.10pm or thereabouts, almost in time to pick up Mike, Mon's dad, from the airport, but not quite. So I went around to Dom's and found him sitting around playing basketball on the PS3 with his flatmates. I was immediately subjected to a losing cause as I joined Dom's team (I'm sure the controls were malfunctioning; at least, that's what Dom said) and we only lost by 40 points or so.

We then went to the Johnsons' for tea and were joined by the smack man as well, before the lure of the football at 2am (!) called him away. Mon was keen on the same thing, so Dom and I ended up dropping in on Mike Murray, and of course, going to Mackers. What use does sleep serve before a long trip? Four and a half hours' sleep does the job.

The first real travel obstacle took very little time in raising its somewhat ugly head; my luggage was quite overweight. Even when shared with Mon, we were 6 kg over the 46kg weight limit. With the distance we were going on the first leg to Frankfurt, I was going to have to fork out $48 per kg. However, all was not lost, as we were served by a redhead and I was able to turn on the charm that comes so easily to me with that species. Either that, or she could not be bothered with the paperwork, so she first offered only $20 per kg and an opportunity to repack, and finally she ignored all of the overweight baggage completely. Problem solved.

One ushj goodbye to Roz and Dom later, we were flying to Sydney. I realised to my dismay in the Sydney airport that Mon was a keen shopper, something that she had hidden from my ignorant self for years. Granted, we did have Mackers for breakfast, something in my favour, so in my satiated state, I had no problem with Mon wandering the shops.

Finally we were off to Frankfurt, with only one stop (a refuel in Singapore) on the way. The movies were unfortunately rather average; I had to turn off "Edge of Darkness" simply because the max volume of the headsets was not loud enough to convey the mumbly plot developments accurately. I did enjoy "How to Train Your Dragon" however, and "Ghost Writer" with Pierce Brosnan and Ewan McGregor felt like a solid movie, appropriate for a plane at least. Then I had to pretend I didn't know Mon, as she cried over some movie in which nothing sad happened. I think the other passengers were sympathetic to my situation - the male ones at least.

The lights were turned off in the plane from Singapore to Frankfurt for far too long (10 out of the 13 hours, I swear) probably because the stewardesses wanted to do less. Clearly it worked for the girl beside me (not Mon) who was either sleeping or faking it pretty well, for 12 hours.

Once we landed, the car hire actually went without a hitch. The concern was of course, that my driving would expose any number of "hitches". However these concerns proved baseless, as it did not take too many scrapes, dings, and injured pedestrians for me to get the hang of driving on the other side of the road. We set the GPS to avoid all toll roads, and set off for Strasbourg. This worked very well, although we should have made a map of where we went. To illustrate how necessary this was, we stopped for breakfast on an unknown street of an unknown town in an unknown district of an unknown country. I am almost not joking about the last one: it was probably Germany, but it may have been France. The travel was enhanced by the fact I could simply plug my ipod straight in to the car, which played it without fuss. Air conditioning also helped.

We arrived in Strasbourg and parked the car in very fortunate Sunday free parking circumstances, and walked around the old town. I sniffed out a Mackers, where we had lunch (Mon was able to take charge of the ordering, this time). We both started flagging, so we headed back to the hotel, where we crashed almost immediately (crashing in the falling asleep sense). We did manage to rouse from slumber in the early evening to head in to the old town for dinner (not Mackers, despite my pleas; we went to a pizza/pasta place instead). The heat was not conducive to having drinks, so we got water only on the way back to the hotel. We walked around a little after dark, but the time without sleep was taking its toll, so we decided to turn in at some unreasonably reasonable hour.

That's chapter one, and less than 1/5 of the trip. How will my two readers contain their excitement and anticipation while waiting for the rest??

Damn my eyes

2010-05-10T22:23:00.000-07:00

I was mortified at myself today - and let me tell you; that does not happen often. Have I become a more conscientious human being?

I was walking along in the supermarket at lunchtime when I saw a man standing behind the help counter with his eyes rolling back in his head and his eyelids flickering, like someone might do when feeling blissful, or tasting something stupendously delicious. Kinda like Dom does when he eats macaroni cheese with tomato sauce. Anyway, I was busy snickering to myself and laughing at my own observation (that the fella obviously found just being in a supermarket intensely pleasurable) ... When I noticed the seeing-eye dog by his side...

And I promise, I hardly ever laugh at my own jokes either. Strike two.

Regard the best; ditch the rest...

2010-04-18T01:15:00.001-07:00

Sure, the first 'cheezburger' schtick was kinda funny, with that grey cat asking for a cheezburger (surprisingly convincingly too...) but this one is the funniest, hands down. Awwwwwww......

OE

2010-04-13T22:49:00.000-07:00

Dear Kitty

I plan to go on my big OE soon, and I shall have a wondrous time! I shall stop in for a wedding in Finland before heading to the fatherland for Devonshire teas with Earl Grey and whatever other outlandishly exciting things they eat over there! It shall be quite the undertaking, but I am just thrilled! I believe 2 July is my last day at work, and I shall be glad of the break - which is exactly the thought I was relishing as a certain grumpy Judge told me off quite unnecessarily!

With much love from Jon

(The above should be read aloud in an overly Enid Blyton way, preferably in the middle of a picnic with scones and lashings of ginger beer)

You won't believe it...

2010-04-10T05:00:00.000-07:00

But good things do come from Australia. And I'm not talking about my Aussie cousins. Love you guys, and technically you're from South Africa anyway. No, I'm talking about the new prog rock movement from Perth. Three great bands have emerged and there are some lesser try hard ones too, but this post isn't about those poor losers.

And in case you're sceptical following my previous post, this post isn't about some album or song of which I have only listened to the demo. Rather, it is about three bands which can do no wrong.

1. The Butterfly Effect. If given a fair go (ie more than one listen) I can't imagine anyone actually disliking these guys. Their music is melodic and unrepetitive, their lyrics are great and the singing is awesome. Their two recent albums ("Imago" and "Final Conversation of Kings") are especially well constructed, in that one does not feel tempted to skip any songs to "get to the good ones". They're all good. Alas, while they are big in Aussie, you are unlikely to find them on the shelves in NZ, so "borrow them from a friend" today!

2. Karnivool. I have to credit my bro Mix for getting me on to these guys. Just like the above band, these chaps have the ability to make incredibly good music and albums you can listen to all the way through, time and again. The lead singer is especially talented, and also performs in the band "Birds of Tokyo" which is more pop-focused.

3. Dead Letter Circus. I hesitate to say the third best, but really, they are. Mind you, they are still awesome. The only issue is that they have not released any real album to speak of, only two EPs. And these EPs are even harder to obtain than the Butterfly Effect albums. So listen to them on Youtube if torrents prick your conscience. I don't even know if they're on Itunes, but they sure should be.

This must be the longest hiatus... But the book review was well worth the wait!

2010-04-08T03:43:00.000-07:00

In fact, I think if I wait only one more year my blog will self destruct from lack of usage. It happened to that impostor who used to occupy www.jon.beck.blogspot.com. Possibly the strangest blog I have ever seen and now lost to the world - since about mid-08.

So anyway, it just struck me that it has been too long. You think it woulda struck earlier. So I'm gonna return with something totally unoriginal like a book review. Eat your heart out, Mike Crowl.

And the book of the week is "The Lost Symbol" by Dan Brown. The excited reviews which called other Dan Brown books "Unputdownable" and "...with a unusually high IQ" gave me a pretty good idea of the calibre of the readers. Naturally someone who describes a book in that way is going to feel a tad threatened by the IQ of an inanimate object. I myself was unfazed by Mr Brown's split infinitives and his utter failure at the plu-perfect tense and the definitive descriptive. I ploughed ahead regardless and was pleasantly surprised by the suspense and intrigue which can be woven into a day or so in the life of an academic who now looks in my mind unsettlingly like Tom Hanks. Of course no-one would believe that that much thought was really put in to Washington DC by its founding fathers, or that a symbologist would be a useful human being, but that's what makes great fiction.

Then I finished reading the dust jacket (and a good job too, because that was about all I could handle) and moved on to greener pastures.

Next time I will review a movie I saw the preview of. And at the rate I've been churning out posts - look for it in 2013!

The female ministry of silly walks

2008-04-28T01:25:00.001-07:00

It's been a while since I did any sort of a character study of idiosyncracies, but here's one that I don't know if anyone has recorded before. And it's exclusive to the female gender:

Females do silly walks.

It's true. You've probably never noticed it. It doesn't happen too often, but picture this. You are walking toward a female, and there aren't too many people around. You realise you know her, and she recognises you. She smiles and right then: she does a silly walk. And there it is. Whether it is an icebreaker or a subconscious method of drawing your attention, the silly walker won't know the reason. She'll just do it.

It's not the same for guys. They'll give a big grin, make some expansive gesture, act like a show pony or point and shoot with their fingers. All well documented and accepted. Yet the female equivalent is to do an unassuming silly walk. It generally involves slowing the steps down and exaggerating movement such as the swing of the arms or the drop of the shoulders.

Case study one:

A lecture, ca 2003. A girl walks into a lecture and sees a group of her friends coming in from the other side of the lecture hall. She walks over to them (in a silly fashion) as they approach her.

Case study two:

The movies, ca 2004. I am sitting in the movie foyer with Dom when my girlfriend at the time walks in the door. She sees me, walks over, and as I look up she executes a particularly silly walk. With a silly expression on her face. (She does a silly walk and now she's my ex. Go figure. Muhaha.)

Case study three:

I am returning to the office from a settlement when I notice a (male) legal executive from another law office walking toward me from some distance away. There is a female walking in front of me. I barely notice her to begin with, but then she embarks on a ridiculously silly walk toward the legal exec, hunching over to one side and swinging one arm. The exec is deaf, and has an unusual gait, so I wonder if she is making fun of his disability! But no, she is a friend of his, and knows sign language. They have a fingersation as I walk past.

Case study three:

The office, today. This is what jogged my memory. I walk down the hallway and pass Chanel. Normally I'm in a huge hurry, but I walked past and smiled. So did she... And she topped it all off with... You guessed it.

If you've ever noticed this type of behaviour, then can you disprove the above? The theory is flawless so far...

Sexy new hardware...

2008-04-24T00:11:00.000-07:00

Less than 12 hours after shedding a few tears upon burying "my Ding-A-Ling", I sold out to a hot new model. She's slim, smooth and sexy. And here's how she sees me...

After some prompting...

2008-04-22T23:35:00.000-07:00

Something finally happened in my life! No, I'm not that sad; I just found a moment in which to write something down - assisted by those who know who they are (and I do actually thank you for that.) Also thanks to Liz for the inspiration - she hits NZ soil and she's a blogging machine! So Dom and I took a trip with Liz and Sarah. I took a random Tuesday off (while the office went to pot, I later learned) and took a trip down to the Catlins. So the story kinda goes:

1. We arrived in the wetlands with the girls demanding bathroom breaks every second second of the way. The name 'the wetlands' was just asking for trouble anyway.

2. Laughter turned to fear as the girls found out the guys were so tired of their demands they were prepared to kill to restore the silence...

3. We reached the Catlins and were welcomed by a seductive tree dryad who soon realised she was kinda stuck.

4. The Cathedral Caves were not as quite as accessible as I had been led to believe. Stupid indecipherable tide diagram in the ODT. It didn't stop a half-assed attempt by Dom, though!

5. At the conclusion, festivity was had by all... Except for me?

What have I done?

2007-10-03T11:29:00.000-07:00

I joined Facebook. And no matter what they say about online communities like that one, and the sharing of information that goes on therein, such sites are for amusing oneself far more than staying in touch.

I mean, what ridiculous functions! Pictures you can draw? Quasi-roleplaying simulation? Quizzes you can take only once every twenty-four hours?

What hath God wrought?

Drawing the line

2007-08-13T13:03:00.000-07:00

So what is it with people who believe a squiggle of pen on paper is just a squiggle, but if the it ends with a line crossed back through the body of the squiggle, then suddenly it's a signature? Did these people attend signature school? One would have thought that one's signature/seal/John Hancock/whatever you like to call it is supposed to be an personal inimitable mark, but these squigglers and crossers are ending up with signatures just like every other man and his dog.

It's drawing the line - just like the use of the F-Bomb in movies. An M-rated movie is allowed one, but an R16 could potentially not need to use any other word (although no-one needs to prove this for the sake of the argument; such a repetitive script wouldn't make for very exciting watching). This is all based on the perfectly reasonable assumption that kids will all miss the first utterance of it, or perhaps they won't know what it means and will immediately ask their parents. Movie censors have drawn the line early because either way, the second swearword will affect kids deeply the second time around.

Wow - two totally unrelated topics, a tenuous and clumsy segue to link them, and we have a post. Neither subject alone was worthy of a post, so I spent the better part of 30 seconds working on bringing them together. And then I wondered when I was done - "Was that worth it?"

Legal levity

2007-07-30T12:36:00.000-07:00

Since the USA has more lawyers than the rest of the world put together, there is what you might call a broad spectrum of competence. The following are all taken from American Court transcripts. There's no tomfoolery in MY Courtroom... Except for the first example, of course.

(In the Family Court with a female Judge, three female lawyers, one female specialist, one female witness, a female respondent and Jon)
JUDGE: ...and in the afternoon we'll allow one break for recess and one for ladies' breaks.
JON: Thank you, your Honour.

And that's about as light as it gets in there! The real stuff is below.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia Gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What School did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
____________________________________________
And the best for last

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Would you be so into me...

2007-07-24T02:29:00.000-07:00

...if I wasn't a celebrity? The words of the immortal band NSYNC of course, but it's the way everyone's measuring themselves up nowadays. Today I walked into the office of Alistair Paterson, one of the better known lawyers round town, to find him on the 'MyHeritage' site conducting a Celebrity Morph. I realised I was into the spirit of things already when I noticed the guy who walked out when I entered looked suspiciously like Malcolm McDowell. Alistair got a match with Bruce Willis, Jeremy Northam and Robert De Niro, so I was keen to get home and try it out myself.

Perhaps I shouldn't have been quite so keen - my photos are mostly all smiles, which tends to result in the matches turning up girls. Yeah right, I hope I'm not thaaat attractive. After a couple of false starts, a few females, Pat Benetar and Missi Pyle (many times), Charles Bronson and Meatloaf I finally turned up Mark Wahlberg.

The photo above is one of the better ones, ie. it turns up slightly more manly men like Colin Firth, William H. Macy, Jeff Bridges, Brendan Fraser, Joshua Jackson and Cameron Diaz. OK, maybe Cameron is only a man's name but she blows the others (Sean Hayes and Ashton Kutcher) right out of the water in terms of manliness!

Home truths - which also work in China!

2007-07-19T04:12:00.001-07:00

Of all the interesting food experiences, chunks of pineapple with tomato in between was easily the grossest.

I like Chinese. It's as true now as it was then; never mind the shocked bystanders.

Haggling doesn't leave a whole lot of room for flirting, but it can still be achieved.

The most intense concentration the Beijing Zoo gets is people trying to work out if the pandas are actually alive. The rest concentrate on their iceblocks.

When a group visits the island at the Summer Palace, at least one group member returns with the secret squirrel demeanour of having embraced the universe.

The losers aren't necessarily the ones who stick with peach flavour and don't try new things - they may be the ones who eat mung bean ice blocks.

It's easy to get caught up in the moment and suddenly find you've been swept away in the hype.

The Great Wall is covered in the Chinese Fencing Act 1521.

It may be as small as an orange, or as big as a standard 600ml Chinese stubbie, but eating and drinking photos NEVER work.

The old rule "Maintain your serial killer expression and don't talk on the Subway" is universal.

Standing outside the Temple of Heaven and offering to show heaven to anyone who walks past doesn't work well; perhaps something is lost in translation.

The best photos always lack a vital party member.

Asians like having their photos taken with even the most insignificant of Europeans. Here they pose with a few of the famous ones.

Embracing nothingness is no longer respected during lunch.

If you are the one posing directly under a picture of Mao - you end up looking exactly like him.

An actual slummy slum in Beijing is hard to find.

China

2007-07-05T01:34:00.000-07:00

I touched down in the land of the Yo-yo Ma blues in the middle of the pouring rain. The flight was long and in it I realised that more sleep would have been a good idea, and that Bridge to Terabithia should have been more aptly named "Brushj to Terabithia." Ushj ushj ushj. The weather was muggy, kinda yucky, and my shoes decided to invite most of the water right in. Of course then it was a case of my shoes and socks going compress compress compress compress compress compress until I noticed it no longer. We sat in the traffic for over an hour at one point, and got a pretty darn good (and looong) look at Tianamen Square and the front of the Forbidden City (with Mao's handsome mug plastered above the door). I could probably draw the place from memory now!

Finally we got to the hotel, then straight out to the markets and some eating place with swings to aid digestion. It turns out herbal jelly isn't a lovely dessert, and eel is pretty good. Haggling at the markets was a totally new thing to me, but Graham was there to halve the offered price, halve it again, halve it once more, then offer one tenth of the result. Amazingly, the vendors were not insulted by the offers! It sounds all good, but it didn't take long to feel overwhelmed.

The Forbidden City was next on the list, with the best fun being going where we weren't supposed to. Guards actually hiss at you when you do something wrong. My mission was to imitate Jared Leto from 30 Seconds to Mars in the video clip "From Yesterday." Not the most convincing result, but hey, the setting wasn't quite exact.

Biking in Beijing! Awesome! Orderly chaos! (If that...) It really helps having no hills. And a leader who knows where he's going... Or at least guesses well.

Dom! I said I'd meet you in Tianamen square at 2pm! What happened??

The Great Wall was the plan for the second full day. It forms the northern part of the city, but it still takes three hours to get there. When you're there you aquire your own stalkers! They pretend it doesn't cost you anything to have them walking with you, but at the end of the walk they spring you with 'guide fees.' You walk, they walk, you stop, they stop, you hint at them politely to get lost and they 'don't understand.' These people aren't underprivileged! They harass people successfully for a living! So we had to run away. Vanessa did a great job but her old lady ran after her, and even figured out her tricky plan when she dodged around the pillars in guard tower five! Fortunately the ticket collecters pared down the stalkers and we made it to the almost end mostly unharmed. Unfortunately some of us decided that wasn't the end and we walked two more towers straight up. Ushj! I was rather happy to find out we had gone too far and had to turn back. Great beer at the end! Oh, and a decent achievement as well.

Shopping on the third day was also rather wet, and I got a little carried away. One Rolex, a pair of Diesel shoes, a Nike jacket, X-Files seasons 4,5 and 6, Seasons 1-10 of Friends and Season 6 of Scrubs later I decided I was running low on money. The bonus was the stuff was all 100% genuine :) The Temple of Heaven in the rain was pretty cool, and it was good to be mindful of the fact that there would be double the people if it wasn't raining. Even more fun to stand in the middle of the stone of resonance and sing "I like Chinese." And then get shot.

Last day already? Ushj! We made up for it by going to the Zoo, then the Summer Palace. Saw more animals at the Summer Palace. Not really, but every man and his dog decided to do exactly what we were doing that day. That didn't stop me finding plenty of time for embracing the universe at the Hall of Embracing the Universe, which was covered in scaffolding which looked really authentic, Chinese and appropriate. We went round the lake anticlockwise (clever, eh?) and under the 750m mural. They say that it is so beautiful that no couple can walk under it and come out the other side unengaged. Luckily I was walking with Mike, so I emerged from the other side engaged to him. Glad I wasn't walking with Mum, that would have been too weird! Then I figured Sheryl might get mad if she found out I was engaged to her husband, so I quietly broke it off. It turned out anyway that Mike was unaware of our whole thing. OK, that joke ends there!

That same night we made it back late, but just in time to hit the town and eat scorpions on a stick! You won't believe it, but they tasted great! Like chicken, of course.

We were all rather sad to say goodbye, but we did get a glimpse of Singapore on the way back, with a two and a half hour trip through the city.

Made a rather good week, really. Back to the coal face. Right now it's snowing outside, and I've just been informed the water in the shower has gone cold. Life is harsh, eh?

A public service announcement - in the form of a fun story!

2007-06-22T17:30:00.000-07:00

2007-06-22T17:26:00.000-07:00

2007-06-22T17:05:00.000-07:00

My usage of Dr Seuss' illustrations comes under "Fair Use" in international copyright law. The pictures are a visual aid only; the writing is my own. I do not seek to replicate any of Dr. Seuss' work in its entirety, nor claim any part of it as mine.

It is dedicated to the loveable Mr. Diack.

Jon.

Mr. Malapropism

2007-06-21T12:53:00.000-07:00

Every so often in my line of work one comes across a real gem. Of course confidentiality often means laughing alone, but fortunately this particular matter was not based around who the person was and sharing doesn't constitute a breach of privacy (he wasn't a client.)

I represented a young lady trying to get her overbearing man off her back. After writing a letter to her man, I got a brilliant one back, from his father. In it he used the most magnificent malapropisms which were amazingly appropriate.

Anxious to prove he had a keen legal mind, he questioned my methods and described the situation, using intelligent words like 'refrain' (desist), 'tirade' (a long, angry speech) and 'conscientious' (caring, guided by conscience). Or so he thought. It came across a little like this: "every time your client called up we received a torrid of abuse." Perhaps this sounded so good that he used the word three times in the same context! Funny how much the word suited, eh?

In questioning me: "I suggest you reframe from putting in writing..." Again, genius! If the word fits, wear it!

But the best one of all: "My son feels he is a contentious parent." !!! Funny, I'm pretty sure that's what my letter suggested the whole way through. I am glad we agreed on something!

The cheese and the equivalent.

2007-06-18T03:15:00.000-07:00

The typical guy response to an OLD cliched internet list is in bold. OK, maybe it's just my response? It didn't take long to go downhill...

45 things girls love.

1-touch their waist. The waist is fine, but hands off the pockets.
2-talk to them. Talk is also fine, but not during House, Boston Legal, Desperate Housewives, Heroes or The Simpsons.
3-share secrets. Share food.
4-give her your jacket. Don't keep the jacket though; machismo wears out on the cold walk home.
5-kiss them slowly. Quick kisses are preferable,however, before work, during the abovementioned programs, or only if really necessary, in public.
6-hug her. Same as above, if a security pillow isn't preferred.
7-hold her. Same as above, if a security pillow isn't preferred.
8-laugh with her. But she's gotta be funny too. Guys can't do all the work.
9-invite her somewhere. Talk about needing to pad out the 45!
10-let her be with you when you're with your friends. If she likes drinking beer and watching sports.
11-smile with her. And occasionally at her. But not in a serial killer kind of way.
12-take pics with her. And of her. But not in a serial killer kind of way.
13-pull her onto your lap. But not in a serial... ah, you get the picture.
14-when she says she loves you more, deny it. fight back. Or just have a real fight to prove it.
15-when her friends say i love her more than you, deny it. fight back and hug her tight so she cant get to her friends. it makes her feel loved. But not if by 'her friends' she means a ... uh... 'friend about a dog'... Hugging real tight for ages doesn't pay off then.

Are you thinking about someone?

16-always hug her and say i love you when you see her. Not her friends. That doesn’t go down well.
17-kiss her unexpectedly. Like when she’s driving on icy roads.
18-HUG HER FROM BEHIND AROUND THE WAIST. But make sure the person you're hugging is actually her first.
19-tell her shes beautiful not sexy! Because women don’t like to know they’re sexy!
20-tell her the way you feel about her! By using words like fulgent, indefatigable, peccadillo, sartorial and pharmacopoeia. Good luck working those into a sentence.

U NEED TO SHOW HER U MEAN IT TOO

21-kiss her on the lips. Again, the lips have to be hers.
22-DONT ask her to buy you stuff. you buy HER stuff. You buy her stuff off her?
23-TELL HER WHAT FEELS GOOD. But be tactful. Obvious traps for young players.
24-make her feel loved. By doing. Trap number 2. Sending out ‘Warm Fuzzies’ achieves little.
25-buy her stuff. small things can still help. Strangely no option is given if she doesn’t want to sell her stuff?

we might deny it but we accutally like and kinda want you to get us things

26-don't lie to her. Unless it makes everything better.
27-dont cheat on her. Unless it makes everything better.
28-take her anywhere she wants. But limit it to within the suburb.
29-txt messege or call her in the morning and tell her have a good day at school, and how much you miss her. Of course if you’re text messaging her telling her to have a good day at school, sooner or later you’ll be texting her from jail.
30-be there for her when ever she needs you, & even when she doesn't need you, just be there so she'll know that she can always count on you. But not when she *really* doesn’t need you. Funny how they let you just walk into this one.

are you still reading this u better be its important

31. Hold her close when she's cold and she can hold you too. Totally different from #7.
32. When you are alone hold her close and kiss her. In public, however, act like you don’t know her.
33. Kiss her on the cheek; (it will give her the hint that you want to kiss them). Kiss her on the back. It makes no sense and she’ll wonder what the hell you’re doing.
34. While in the movie, put your arm around her and then she will automatically put her head on your shoulder, then lean in and tilt her chin up and kiss her lightly. Then you will automatically be married and have kids. It’s foolproof.
35. Dont ever tell her to leave even jokingly or act like you're mad. If she’s upset, comfort her. But if *she* wants to do any of these things, it’s totally OK.

remember this next time you are with her

36. When people diss her, stand up for her. Unless you think up a really good diss for her, then you so have to say it!
37. Look deep into her eyes and tell her you love her. Even if you don’t.
38. Lay down under the stars and put her head on your chest so she can listen to the steady beat of your heart, Link your fingers together while you whisper to her as she rests her eyes and listens to you. But try to say sensible things. The last visit to Granny’s house or tea on Friday aren’t good topics here.
39. When walking next to each other grab her hand. And keep it.
40. When you hug her hold her in your arms as long as possible. cf. #15

MAKE SURE SHE KNOWS SHES LOVED

41. Call her at night to wish her sweet dreams. At 2am. She loves that time the most.
42. Comfort her when she cries and wipe away her tears. With the rag you’ve just been working under your car with.
43. Take her for long walks at night. Down dark alleys in King’s Cross, The Bronx or even the red light district. The palpable danger is very romantic.
44. Always Remind her how much you love her. Call her every 5 minutes to make sure she doesn’t forget.

youll never know when she needs just a lil more love

45. never tell her you love her, unless u truely mean it with all of your heart. Bummer if you were following this guide as a step-by-step and you’d done it all perfectly until you were black-flagged by this question!

2007-06-17T04:18:00.000-07:00

Keep scrolling down...

2007-06-17T04:13:00.000-07:00

These and the pics in the posts below took FOREVER to upload, so, dear readers, make sure you look through all of them. And don't hesitate to warn me if you're getting sick of this recent rash of blogging!

2007-06-17T04:00:00.000-07:00

2007-06-17T03:49:00.000-07:00

Pictures Galore!

2007-06-17T03:40:00.001-07:00

New... Actually old... pictures abound! Dom got a DVD off Luke with all the Realise pictures from 2004 onward. Here's a sample. As you can see, I had trouble finding decent ones with me in them.

Oh, and this blog's cool too.

2007-06-15T23:12:00.000-07:00

http://heretodaybutgonetomorrow.blogspot.com/

3 posts in one day is more than enough! Phew! People might think I have no life!

And I thought I was well travelled?

2007-06-15T22:51:00.000-07:00

create your own visited country map
or check our Venice travel guide

Hmm... I even included China - and I'm only going there on 26 June - and Mauritius; a plane refuel stop over!

Thanks to the decent blog that gave me this idea: http://sirhcllenrad.blogspot.com/

That's more like how blogs should appear.

The 99% of bloggers who give the other 1% a bad name

2007-06-15T05:30:00.001-07:00

http://lettersacross.blogspot.com/

Ugh. Just an example of what I'm talking about. And it's only one of many I could have picked when I sat down tonight and hit the 'next blog' button until I found something of note. Well, that didn't happen. I found plenty of sites which use far, far too many words in a seemingly arbitrary fashion. This site simply transcended the ether of superfluity into the realms of verbosity previously unadulterated by human minds. Ushj, now I'm all caught up in it.

Online diaries are playing havoc with the perceived 'need' to post. Remember the old adage 'if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all'?

If you can't blog anything sensible (or coherent, at the very least), don't blog anything at all!

Of course each of the blog links on the right of this page receive my personal recommendation and do not fit the aforementioned supreme goat-getting category. Keep up the good work.

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern

2007-06-03T04:19:00.000-07:00

Well of course I'm Guildenstern; it's the best of a rather poor choice isn't it? It happens to the best of us, you know. Sometimes two super clued-up guys can just get totally sucked in. (That's another story; mine is of two suckers who got sucked in - hence the title.) A number of years ago now (the more the better), Dom and I saw the 'earn $500 in a flash, simply by answering several general knowledge questions' ad. Thinking that two heads were better than one, we dialled the 0900 number, and prepared to start raking the cash in. After a couple of false starts and goofy oops-I-pushed-the-wrong-button kind of errors, we finally started getting somewhere. Yes! I knew the capital of Turkey was Ankara! Surely not many people could have gotten that right in the past... Wow, I even knew James Dean was driving a Porsche Spyder when he died! Man, we were on our way to untold wealth, only limited by the amount of times we could call this number in a day!

Of course it all came crashing down. "How many cubic metres of water were drained from Lake Michigan when it was emptied in the middle of last century? Type the answer into your phone as hundreds of thousands." I narrowed it down at least; it is not 560 000.

Those phone things are a gyp. The phone bill didn't exactly tuck the three calls discreetly away either. Mum saw them immediately and circled them, which I saw and paid up for immediately. Ushj - she didn't even suspect it might have been me; she was going to confront the little boys about it and not even demand payment, just contrition. So I learned my lesson:

1) Don't give yourself up until you're sure you're found out;

2) Even then, blame Dom;

3) Research Lake Michigan's entire history thoroughly before playing;

4) And the history of pretty much everything else while you're at it.

And you'll win! I'll drink to that!

Confuse-a-cop

2007-05-13T13:08:00.000-07:00

Cops aren't the most intelligent beings sometimes. The coach of the Pakistan cricket team, Bob Woolmer, was murdered. Whether by strangulation or poison remains up in the air, but recent reports from *Scotland Yard* suggest they are going with a heart attack!

Take a small shred of the overwhelming evidence - an email allegedly sent by Bob Woolmer to the Pakistan Cricket Board just hours before he was found dead: "I would like to praise my association with the Pakistan team but now I would like to announce my retirement after the World Cup, to live the rest of my life in Cape Town. I have no lust for the job and I will not like others to make personal remarks at me. Professionally, I am open to criticism, I will be ready to continue the job if the president asks me for it."

Professionals are only now looking at this letter and thinking that it just may have been written by someone other than Bob Woolmer - someone whose first language was not English.

That's like issuing a press release stating that it is possible pink elephants may never have existed!

Twenty five going on eighteen

2007-05-06T01:36:00.000-07:00

Quarter of a century old today. And I still don't have any of the benefits of age like being able to sleep sitting up, long nose hairs, or looking good in a cardigan (Craig's a stunner in his; he turned 34 on Thursday!). So, ushj. But it's not all doom and gloom; I can still go overseas to the UK on a working visa until I'm 28, something I've been thinking about more seriously recently. I was talking to a girl from Aspinall Joel (Lawyers) who was there for four years working for a local authority with a very poor work ethic doing child protection law! Pretty much my ideal job.

All work aside, however, I celebrated my birthday by playing poker with Mix, Susie Q, Lana, Dom and Mon. And not winning. At least I know when Dom has two pair (he goes all in), but the problem is *everyone* now knows this. Later we went to "Perfect Stranger;" a very clever movie to say the least and not spoil it.

Unfortunately I have no pictures to show my readers, but I can promise you all I look no different at 25 than I did yesterday. Promise. The overnight beard and grey hair are cosmetic changes only.

2007-04-28T18:05:00.000-07:00

Wow, it doesn't take long to fall off the face of the blogging world; I felt myself gradually drifting back into my old ways.

I watched the World Cup final this morning - it ended up a total fiasco! How red would your face be conceding the game due to bad light, then realising you either had to come back the next day for *three overs*... or just come back and finish the game? To say nothing of the Aussies, who did all their celebrating before they actually won, which left the actual celebrations a rather muted affair. It was amusing to watch at least.

Did I say red faces? Hmm, maybe not; those Sri Lankans don't blush too easily.

And if you're after a less ponderous read, this is a blog I recommend: www.dooglesherlock.blogspot.com

Nobody said it would be easy to read; it just takes a little perseverance.

2007-04-12T03:23:00.000-07:00

That's right... My summer was just wedding after wedding. Andy and Jane's, Matt and Neelam's Boss and Cate's and Anna and Matt's. Hmm. Matt got married twice? Sure felt like at least one of them did, there were so many!

I guess Dom and I were the serial wedding crashers - too shameful even to be put at the singles table! Ah well; fun times were had by all. Who's next to jump on the marriage bandwagon??

2007-04-11T04:07:00.000-07:00

OK it could have been any image I posted to see if it would work, but this one easily had the most character. What I like especially is the jealous look of Craig in the background; no doubt he wishes he was wearing such an effective top...

Mum would be proud to see the top that she gave me going to such good use :)

I return to you now at the turn of the century...

2007-04-10T04:25:00.000-07:00

This system SUCKS! I typed up a post, added some pics, found out that the 'adding pics' function turned out to be for novelty only, so I wrote a whole lot to try and describe it, then I find the 'publish post' button leads to the same error! ARRRRRGH! OK... how about this time around...

And sorry to my faithful readers and stalkers alike; I have spent the last four months procrastinating (true to form). Actually, scratch that; it was three months procrastinating, the rest was procrastination recuperation.

And further to the title of this post, on the news tonight they said that due to global warming, by the turn of the century sea levels could have risen by as much as half a metre! Quick, everybody, panic now!

Upside down Christmas

2006-12-26T03:56:00.000-08:00

Here is a slice of my Christmas in Balclutha. The pics took FOREVER to upload and took twice as long as it should have because something went wrong the first time round. But anyway, yep, you heard right, I had Christmas in Balclutha with the fam, Dom, Vanessa and her parents and Susan and her fam. It was a lot of fun, actually. As you can see, Graham went wielding skeleton power, I went as a one of the Village People (I was stitched up - they told me the army top looked really good with the handlebar moustache) and Dom went as... Well, perhaps I should apologise on his behalf and we'll never speak of this again? Good.

Fruit squash

2006-12-26T03:47:00.000-08:00

Proof of the truth of the previous post. You will notice Dom is facing the wrong way. Strangely enough, this is not a contrivance, but a snapshot of a real game. Go figure.

Retail therapy exists for those who don't play competitive sports

2006-12-18T00:20:00.000-08:00

Ain't it the truth. And I'm not talking about anything wussy like bridge, flower arranging, tag-team crochet or touch rugby. No, I'm talking about a sport Belhaven Rest Home does not have a winning team for. That's right, squash. It has been my aim from day one of... oh gosh, last year, to have a regular exercise routine by playing squash at least twice a week. I just started. Then I just quit. Then I remembered that some day I wouldn't feel this knackered, however far off that may feel. So I began my squash mandate (and yes, the amusing pun has not escaped me, I'll be on these squash man dates with Dom ho ho.)

So... Any girls keen for a squash game?

Funny v Chauvanistic

2006-12-06T11:03:00.000-08:00

Further to my post on 'the Spanish Computer', I have thought more on NZ society and gender. Are the only ones who can see my point of view girls from Idaho? (Liz and Anemone - I'm not cheapening the value of your input, I'm merely saying that you are perhaps of the few that understand!) There was an ad in the paper a couple of days ago for inexpensive flights to Melbourne. Of course one of the only things to do in Melbourne is shop, so the catch phrase was: "Take your man shopping in Melbourne - Someone has to carry the bags!"

Immediately you should see what set alarm bells ringing in my head. I asked Clair Elder, a fellow lawyer, what she thought, and she considered it funny. When I asked about the fact that if the comment were turned around it would be deemed sexist, she asked for an example. Without hesitation I replied "Take your girl to a dinner at a fancy restaurant and don't pay - someone has to do the dishes!" OK, perhaps a little extreme, but Clair immediately laughed, then replied "that's not funny" with a stony-faced expression.

Perhaps the only reason it's not funny is that there is no backlash to the sexist jokes in favour of women - which is why no-one terms them sexist, even though they kinda are. There should be no jokes either way if we're wanting full equality - why is there all this over-bargaining by females?

Still, I wouldn't try and start the movement; I'll leave that to someone suicidal.

Model Campers

2006-11-23T21:18:00.000-08:00

You will note the new range of t-shirts available from kudosmates. Dom and Jon each model a 'Kudes' and an 'Ushj' design, all the while demonstrating how they can be worn expressively, or in everyday life. Graham sports a back-to-front tailormade 'Total Bads'. The full range arrives Summer '07.

As camp as a row of tents

2006-11-23T20:49:00.000-08:00

Who do you think the title refers to? Camp at Mt Hutt was awesome - possibly one of the quickest weeks of my life! Aside from the end of camp when I wasn't woken up for breakfast duty, rather, woken with a bucket of water (which was a contributing factor in my decision to leave early) a truly kudos time was had by all. Here are a few pics from it. All candid, none posed :)

Wench emancipation proclamation

2006-11-19T02:18:00.000-08:00

OK, at risk of sounding like I'm completely going the other way after my last post, Dom and I have had our 4th annual wench emancipation day. Not that there are any on the horizon to be emancipated from, sadly. But there's always a day worth of such pretence to be had! So enjoy the pics...

Yes, I am fully aware that I would have to have a complete personality makeover before I'd have much of a chance at a relationship. But hey, hopefully next year it won't have to be an 'emancipation' -- ie sour grapes session -- and there will be females involved :)

Dreams are free.

Personal Computer or Politically Correct?

2006-11-15T11:07:00.000-08:00

OK, this shows why I hate email forwards. Like the one below, some are funny, but some are just pathetic - like this one:

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine."House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa.""Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.Ea ch group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!) *Note from Jon - actually it doesn't*

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ("el computador"), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.
>>
>>

But clearly, the women shouldn't have! OK, their number 1 is a little bit funny, as is 4 perhaps, but 2&3 make no sense! The guys put together a well reasoned 4 points, and the girls come up with 'they have a lot of data'??? What the hell? And how about 'They are supposed to help you solve problems'? So by the flipside, women are supposed to help you create problems?? Are men committed to one function only?

Half the email forwards of today are filled with politically correct jingoism! The women have to win, even though their arguments sucked. If the men had won, this email would have been termed plain sexist.

The teacher of that hypothetical Spanish class was clearly a woman.

Genuine Humour

2006-11-09T11:05:00.000-08:00

Forget Napoleon Dynamite or The Castle, the funniest one-liners come from parents of schoolkids in Tennessee, who are the funniest jokes themselves. No kidding! Just try not to laugh out loud!

1-- MY SON IS UNDER A DOCTOR'S CARE AND SHOULD NOT TAKE PE TODAY. PLEASE
EXECUTE HIM.

2-- PLEASE EXKUCE LISA FOR BEING ABSENT SHE WAS SICK AND I HAD HER SHOT

3-- DEAR SCHOOL: PLEASE ECSC's JOHN BEING ABSENT ON JAN 28, 29, 30, 31, 32
AND ALSO 33.

4-- PLEASE EXCUSE GLORIA FROM JIM TODAY. SHE IS ADMINISTRATING.

5-- PLEASE EXCUSE ROLAND FROM P.E. FOR A FEW DAYS. YESTERDAY HE FELL OUT OF
A TREE AND MISPLACED HIS HIP.

6-- JOHN HAS BEEN ABSENT BECAUSE HE HAD TWO TEETH TAKEN OUT OF HIS FACE.

7-- CARLOS WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE WAS PLAYING FOOTBALL. HE WAS
HURT IN THE GROWING PART.

8-- MEGAN COULD NOT COME TO SCHOOL TODAY BECAUSE SHE HAS BEEN BOTHERED
BY VERY CLOSE VEINS.

9-- CHRIS WILL NOT BE IN SCHOOL CUS HE HAS AN ACRE IN HIS SIDE.

10-- PLEASE EXCUSE RAY FRIDAY FROM SCHOOL HE HAS VERY LOOSE VOWELS.

11-- PLEASE EXCUSE PEDRO FROM BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD (DIAHRE,
DYREA, DIREATHE), THE SH**S. NOTE: [WORDS IN ( )'s WERE CROSSED OUT.

12-- PLEASE EXCUSE TOMMY FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD DIARRHEA, AND
HIS BOOTS LEAK.

13-- IRVING WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE MISSED HIS BUST.

14-- PLEASE EXCUSE JIMMY FOR BEING. IT WAS HIS FATHER'S FAULT.

15-- I KEPT BILLIE HOME BECAUSE SHE HAD TO GO CHRISTMAS SHOPPING BECAUSE
DON'T KNOW WHAT SIZE SHE WEAR.

16-- PLEASE EXCUSE JENNIFER FOR MISSING SCHOOL YESTERDAY WE FORGOT TO
GET THE SUNDAY PAPER OFF THE PORCH, AND WHEN WE FOUND IT MONDAY. WE
THOUGHT IT WAS SUNDAY.

17-- MY DAUGHTER WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE SHE WAS TIRED. SHE SPENT A
WEEKEND WITH THE MARINES.

18-- PLEASE EXCUSE JASON FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD A COLD AND
COULD NOT BREED WELL.

19-- PLEASE EXCUSE MARY FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. SHE WAS IN BED WITH
GRAMPS.

20-- GLORIA WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY AS SHE WAS HAVING A GANGOVER.

21-- PLEASE EXCUSE BRENDA. SHE HAS BEEN SICK AND UNDER THE DOCTOR.

22-- MARYANN WAS ABSENT DECEMBER 11-16, BECAUSE SHE HAD A FEVER, SORE
THROAT, HEADACHE AND UPSET STOMACH. HER SISTER WAS ALSO SICK, FEVER AND
SORE THROAT, HER BROTHER HAD A LOW GRADE FEVER AND ACHED ALL OVER. I
WASN'T THE BEST EITHER SORE THROAT AND FEVER. THERE MUST BE SOMETHING
GOING AROUND, HER FATHER EVEN GOT HOT LAST NIGHT.

Muhaha! Feel lucky they aren't your parents? Pretty good incentive NEVER to pull a sickie!

The pic of the bunch

2006-10-28T21:13:00.000-07:00

Lo and behold, Dom produced some awesome pictures from nowhere! Actually they're pretty old, but it is always good to find old photos you have no problem with. My favourite is the white shirted and determined dancing photo, taken at Ben and Louise's wedding '03. I'll post the rest on Ringo.

On speed

2006-10-28T00:38:00.000-07:00

I spent the day today watching two hour movies in an hour each. Yes, it can be done - thanks to fast-paced modern technology! For all those who are curious and think that it may improve their watching experience (I have a wasting time complex whenever I have spare time and don't feel as if I'm using it productively; I have to at least attempt several things at once. For example right now I'm blogging, watching Sleepy Hollow as part of the Splatterday Spectacular, and thinking about going for a run; jogging is 50% mental, you know) all you need to do is turn on English subtitles (or Swahili - your choice) and fast forward at double or 4x speed. Voila! Enjoy speed-watching and have an altogether more productive day. Helps to be a speed reader if you want the movie over with more quickly. It also completely ruins any cinematic ambience the movie seeks to create.

Man, I can't wait for TiVo!

Idiot syncracies

2006-10-27T02:00:00.000-07:00

You know those weird things everything does? I think one of the most obvious ones that no-one seems really to mention is disclaimers. The idea behind these is to detract from certain behaviour or actions of the person making the self-disclaimer. Here's an example: a former classmate of mine wears long johns to school. He knows there's no way he's not gonna get hassled so he brings it up in the locker room before everyone else does - "Hey guys it was really cold this morning... It was so cold this morning that I wore my long johns!" He says this right before disrobing and showing off the big long tightey whiteys. The guys who would normally do the hassling simply roll their eyes, saying "too much information" or suchlike.

You know what I mean? That was a real story, courtesy of Hayden Luke. But it's more widespread than just those with the simple fear of scorn from peers. A disclaimer doesn't generally need to be made if someone can "pull it off" however, but recidivist misbehaviourists need to do so. Another example is my little brother. He would be eating the last banana (after eating almost the whole bunch himself) and the first thing he'd say to anyone would be "Man, these bananas are really big" in an effort to draw the attention away from the fact he was eating the last banana and shouldn't be.

This came to my attention today because Dom gave me the most plain example a couple of months ago. He came back from the bathroom, clearly with something to say and begins "Ha ha you know how sometimes you pee on the seat a little bit? (no, I didn't know this) Well, this time it wasn't just a little bit, it was ALL OVER!" This was the most blatant evidence of the existence of disclaimers. Dom's desire to disclaim from his behaviour far outweighed his desire to combat the brunt of my wrath once I visited the bathroom and found out - knowing he was the only suspect.

Bet you know what I'm talking about now. Journals on human behaviour could dedicate volumes to this stuff.

Purple verse

2006-10-26T03:20:00.000-07:00

Remember those rhyming couplets some time back? This one just came to me

All other sports can stick it
'Cause my favourite's cricket.

But not wanting to sell myself short or bore too many people (75% of my audience asleep is OK) I chose something more topical, but put a spin on the end. Perhaps not totally original, since it's basic mob mentality, but here goes. DISCLAIMER: This work does not necessarily reflect the views of the author.

Ambulance Chasers

Empty your wallets, your pockets, your purse
Scowl, howl, scream and curse
“Dentists’ fees don’t get much worse
Than those of smarmy lawyers!”

They live in streets of cobbled gold
While they exert their stranglehold
Until my very last chattel’s sold
Who seeks to harm me? Lawyers!

They charge me prices they cannot explain
Their bottomless pockets not unlike a drain
My existence characterised by the bane
Which always alarms me - Lawyers.

But when I’m arrested, crucified by the board?
Who cite me, smite me then indict me for fraud?
When Judge Damocles draws and sharpens his sword?
My saviour? An army of lawyers!

An apple a day...

2006-10-24T21:08:00.000-07:00

Apple Computers reported today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music inside women's breasts .

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

Uplifting

2006-10-24T12:30:00.000-07:00

In the spirit of stealing ... or 'uplifting' things from other blogs that work so well, I got this from Jessie Newton's. I don't think mine will be nearly so effective, but here goes:

Go to your music player, set it to shuffle/random, and answer the following questions with the title of the FIRST song that you skip to each time. NO CHEATING!

If you reached the top of Mount Everest, you would scream: Adrenaline

The next time you stand up in front of a group of people, you'll say: Walk on by

Your favorite thing to say when drunk is: Evidence

Your message to the world: Stronger

Your deepest secret: What a Fool Believes

Your innermost desire: I Could Have Loved You More

Your oldest memory makes you think: Like the Way I Do

Somewhere in your wedding vows, you'll include: Dice

On your deathbed, you'll whisper: Suddenly I See

Your friends say behind your back: Jerusalem

You say behind your friends' back: Fantasy

Your opinion of MySpace: Got What You Need

When you wake up in the morning, you mutter: Wonderful Life

If you found yourself lost on a desert island, you'd yell: Fade Away

Right now, your feelings are: I've Got a Lovely Bunch of Coconuts

What's your excuse for reposting this bulletin?: Pride

Your life's soundtrack: Year of the Cat

Your farewell message to the readers of this message: Superman is Dead

OK, again thanks to Jessie.... I am surprised and bewildered! After a couple of false starts, that really worked! Or maybe it didn't... all I know is that it worked in my head! Enjoy...

Stirrings

2006-10-24T02:05:00.000-07:00

There's cricket on almost every night of the week, and you know what that means. Actually you probably don't. It means I might do more posts, since I'll be in front of the TV anyway. Unfortunately that means I might just have to think of something to write. I'll start with an inspirational picture, lifted from Liz's page. Her blog is www.otagogal.blogspot.com and her updating is REGULAR. Outrageous!

Honestly, I don't know where or when the pic was taken, but I was stoked to find it; it has 'Three Musketeers' written all over it!

Dom and I had an absolute brainwave last week. Put a few of our sayings on t-shirts and take on the Redemption brand! OK, well that wasn't even considered, actually, since any garments we made would be appealing to a completely different audience. Hmm... that sounded pretty bad; the words won't be vulgar or anything - but of course I can't ruin any surprise or give any ideas away. Watch this space. Or the space between my shoulder blades.

Regular Criticisms

2006-10-18T01:54:00.000-07:00

Look what I found! I kept all my weekly Critic postings from last year! I'll put half in now... well, the ones that don't completely rely on other letters to make sense... and some that do. I'll hold the other half off for next time I have no idea what to write. Almost every time, eh?

8 Aug 2005

Dear Critic,

Every time I read the letters page, I have to resist the urge to run out and beat your correspondents with a dictionary, a grammar volume, or just a two-by-four with a couple of rusty nails through the end. So now everyone’s a satirist and a spellchecker? There is much to comment on from last week’s Critic:

Anna – Every sentence needs a verb. Anna bad.

d’Ugh – If you could use the same material to create every living organism, for, let’s say, cost and time efficiency, you’d rather spend a few thousand years faffing around, creating new DNA for a bit of variety?

Elizabeth Bennet – What is an Arts degree worth, exactly? It didn’t teach you the refinement and decorum your favourite novels are virtually oozing with. Leave the bad language to the boys. Yes, I have done a BA. I kicked myself for wasting three years, and then did an LLB.

Ryan Brown-Haysom – Sorry, I didn’t realise you were a Christian, just as you may not have realised that I went to the zoo once, and now I’m a panda bear. Poking fun at religion is fine, but your take on it is more Marilyn Manson than Adrian Plass.

William Shake-my-speare – Keep up the good work, shame on the editor for not printing your letter last week.

So much more to write, only 250 words to write it in!

Doogle.

Dear Critic,
Does no-one write anything positive anymore? I thought if I did, I’d be the only clown doing so, so rather than that, I’ll sum up all the other mail in this one. This should save our good editor topping herself from letter-induced depression, not to mention preserving a few of those glossy trees this glossy paper is made from. Circle those options that apply.
Dear Critic,
Life sucks. I am an arts student / overly sensitive / Liz Shaw and I am bored with nothing else to do / feeling persecuted / gifted with the ability to find offence in anything. I think my allowance is too low / I am the prime target of global conspiracies against humanity / very, very rarely and I believe that everyone else is wrong / the sun will never shine again / writing to the Critic will solve all my problems.
Yours in all seriousness,
Oppressed Minority.
P.S. Random moaning, sundry whining.

Doogle.

Dear Critic,
In South Africa at the moment there is a backlash of too much affirmative action. Too many unskilled black people were put into positions of power to balance the colour ratio and now the country is paying for it. How long before we see the same trend all over the world between men and women? Women are definitely not unskilled, but they have forever been campaigning for equal rights, and are even given their own week for their cause. When will they decide they finally are on an equal footing with their male counterparts? (And they aren’t already? Women are apparently running the country!) Suppose they do, then will the endless campaigning and women’s weeks just stop? Will bra burning cease? Will wives start beating their husbands? Will an annual men’s week begin?

Doogle

P.S. William Shake-my-speare – Ha ha! You amuse me, little man, but don’t flatter yourself about it. However, do call on me when you have to appear in court for all those child molestation charges you so rampantly accuse others of, so I can laugh at you then too. Yeah, you’ll recognise me. I’ll be the Crown counsel for prosecution.

12 September 2005

Dear Robbie,

Last week’s ‘letter of the week’ would have even Stephen La Roche ashamed to admit he wrote it. To the author, the word ‘lampoon’ would mean nothing more than a big barbed spear with a light on the end! Two weeks ago I wrote in to the Critic with a tongue-in-cheek opinion, satirizing the future of Women’s Week in an overindulgently politically correct society. 99.9% of readers understood that, one did not, and was not even tipped off by the deliberate misspelling of my name, which in itself suggests a not-so-serious outlook. Yes, women are ostensibly running the country, under the guise of a female Prime Minister and female Chief Justice, while the rest of the parliamentarians, judges and even members of the business round table are predominantly male. But that wasn’t the point; it was a joke, something that the author probably needs an interpreter for. There are no shades of grey for him, just absolutes. Do you know who I’m talking about? Oh dear, silly me, writing about him in the third person, which goes over the heads of many, just like anything written in a sardonic fashion. I was going to ask him for my share of his $30 book voucher, given I provided the material, but decided he could use it better to buy one of those black and yellow covered books entitled ‘Irony for Dummies.’

Doogle.

Dear Critic,

Last week I was walking through the Link, and ran into Mum and two of my little brothers having lunch there. I grew out of being embarrassed by that long ago, but I was very embarrassed by the dirty R18 rag on the table beside them, within reach of the nine-year-old. Just when I thought the Critic had hit new lows with the ‘Boring’ theme two weeks ago, they come up with the ‘Foul and Depraved’ theme, which had many readers retching. Freedom of speech means few boundaries, but that doesn’t mean that all decency should be dispensed with, and just because it can be disgusting doesn’t mean people want it to be that way. Clean up your act!

Doogle.

Blast from the past eh? Wait till you see the next instalment!

One post a month?

2006-10-09T12:06:00.000-07:00

It's that time again... But this time I have real news to report! Straight from the hotmail files to me: an amazing job opportunity, money for nothing! This is all I have to do, but beware, I'm not sharing my gains with anyone! Pity lovely, God-fearing guys who sent these also sent me conflicting email addresses which sap all their credibility, but hey, I'm still willing to give them a chance.

From: Jerome Lewis Esq.

The inspiration to contact you is simply divine providence, I am making this proposition because I have to seek the partnership of a resource person to help me realize this project. I am Jerome Lewis Esq. a solicitor and investment consultant based in London, United Kingdom. I was attending a business luncheon in Berlin, Germany and I got introduced to the renowned German businessman and property mogul, Mr. Andreas Schranner(of the blessed memory). He engaged my services as attorney and investment consultant and my primary assignment was to spearhead his investment forays in the United Kingdom. Three months later I invited him to London and under my professional guidance and based on my advice he made a fixed deposit of 30,000,000,00EUR at with security companies in Germany and Netherlands. This deposit was for 12months and upon maturity I made effort to contact my client, I could not reach him or any member of his family. I was forced to travel to Germany and there I got the tragic news that on July 25TH, 2000, my client Mr. Andreas Schranner, his wife Maria, their daughter Erich and husband Christina and their two children perished in the Air France Concorde New York bound flight; please click here: http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/europe/859479.stm
I have made effort to locate any member of his family with strong biological links to my late client without success. The search to find a close relation is one that has consumed time and resources. The institution is asking me to either present a next of kin to late Andreas Schranner or forfeit the deposit. My proposal is to you as next of kin to late Andreas Schranner and process the deposit and collect the deposits for our mutual benefit. My capacity as solicitor/investment consultant to my late client gives me the discretion to package and transfer the deposit to you. I will give you 30% for your effort, 60% for me and 10% for Charity and Tsunami Victims. It will amount to injustice if I do not take this decisive step to secure this deposit, and invest it The late Schranner was also a friend in addition to our business relationship. I will wait for your reaction and response and then together we can jump start this project and nurture it to reality. Please, make sure you respond through this my confidential email address: jeromelewiseq@openbg.com or jeromelewis@katamail.com Your swift response is anticipated.

Yours faithfully Jerome Lewis Esq.

The guy is an esquire! How can I not trust him?? Here's another helpful individual who came to me and me only for help.

Mr.Abgottspon EwaldBanque Jacob Safra(Schweiz)AGBleicherweg 1 / Paradeplatz8022 ZURICHSwitzerland.Email:aewald00@msn.com

Dear Sir,

I got your contact on my private search for a reliable and trusted person tohandle a transaction of this nature. I know thatthe contents of this mail might sound so strange, but I want to assure you thatevery word of it is true.I am Mr.Abgottspon Ewald, a credit officer with Banque Jacob Safra(Schweiz)AG.I have a concealed businesssuggestion for you.Before theplane crash of Mrs.Dimka Ilkova Boskovic on February 26, 2004 ,Dimka IlkovaBoskovic from the Ministry of ForeignAffairs,macedonia and also a business woman made a fixed deposit for 12 calendarmonths, with a value of Nine Million,eight Hundred Thousand United State Dollars only in my branch.You can visit this website:http://www.rferl.org/featuresarticle/2004/02/8c37dc80-40e3-4333-8d04-dad352108cb5.htmlThe board of directors of my bank adopted a resolution and as the accountingofficer to Mrs.Dimka Ilkova Boskovic I was mandated to provide her next of kin for the payment of this money within 14 working days orforfeit the money to the bank as an abandoned property. Further investigationsrevealed that Dimka Ilkova Boskovic did not declare any next of kin in herofficial papers including the paper work of his bank deposit. And she alsoconfided in me the last time she was at my office that no one except me knew ofher deposit in my bank. So Nine Million,eight Hundred Thousand United State Dollars is still lying in my bank and no one will ever come forward to claim it.What bothers me most is that the directors of my bank hadplanned toinvoke the abandoned property decree of 1991 to confiscate the funds after theexpiration of the period given to me, despairing at the point of exhaustiveness but fortunately, I came across your name. My suggestion to youis that I will like you to stand as the next of kin toDimka Ilkova Boskovic so that you will be able to receive this funds.However, I seek your consent to present you as the Next of Kin to the deceased.I have contacted an attorney that will prepare the necessarydocument that will back you up as the next of kin to Dimka Ilkova Boskovic. AllI require is your honest cooperation to enable us see this dealthrough. I guarantee that this will be executed under a legitimate arrangementthat will protect you from any breach of law. Be Inform also that weshall share the funds in the ratio 70% for me and 25% for you, while 5% shouldbe for Expenses or Tax as your Government may require. Pleaseendeavor to observe utmost discretion in all matters concerning this issue. Iwill bring you into a more detailed picture of this transaction when I hear from you. Your earliest response to this letter will beappreciated via my private email address(aewald00@msn.com).

Kind Regards,Mr.Abgottspon Ewald.

Yes! I am a trusted and reliable person! And I'm not going to even bother checking that address he gave me at the start, because I know he's a trusted and reliable person too! His letter practically oozes with it!

Much Much Kudos

2006-09-09T05:05:00.000-07:00

Yeeha! I am SoliciTOR! (I like to write it like that so it makes it sound like a superhero, when you put the stress on the last syllable. The kind of superhero who solves everything through mind-numbing bureaucracy... But super nonetheless!)

I did get told off, however, for smiling at the court. Apparently that's not allowed.

For those of you who have just tuned in; I sat the practical half of the Duty Solicitor course assessment this morning, to bring my last planned exam ever through to completion. The course is so I can be one of the faceless Solicitors who faces up to court to come face to face with the run of the mill crims for a face-off.

I thought to liven up my posts I would have a buzz word of the day. Whoever guesses it first gets 10 points and a free plea in mitigation or remand, should I ever see you down at court.

Hawking my wares, you say? Unethical? Hey, we aren't called SOLICITors for nothing!

Fudge this...

2006-09-07T02:39:00.000-07:00

I sit the test to become a duty solicitor in about 18 hours and I am woefully underprepared. I'm just hoping I'll get that adrenalin rush and surge of confidence I really, really don't feel at the moment. I was all set to study every night, but got caught up in one of the busiest weeks of my life and ended up going to bed early and getting up at 7 or earlier to go in to work.

Healthy? Yeah... Wealthy? No... and Wise? Absolutely positively not. That old adage possibly only aims for about a 33% strike rate.

To uplift you all from the gloom of this post, I have included some relaxing photos from a weekend beach trip. Please ignore the large, inappropriately dressed - and behaved - guy.

Judge this

2006-08-30T02:31:00.000-07:00

Just came back from a family lawyer convention. For those of you who are still awake, well done. I haven't posted in a while, and it was getting on the nerves of some.

It was all about sticking it to the two main family court judges. We've all had a grilling from them, Mum especially it seems. Lawyers rise up and revolt! The main thing that I got out of it was that I am the youngest family lawyer in town... No surprises there, but I was told I have grown up a lot... there was the insult :)

I've been practicing law for 8 months! Nothing else is going on in my life, so this post really .... trails.... off... at the.. en....

Tired of it all?

2006-08-07T04:36:00.000-07:00

This is for all those who were driven insane by the pictures below and the lack of explanation involved. No, I'm not going to explain them; I'm going to throw in my Coke poem for the enjoyment of the hoi polloi who read my blog. Not that I'd consider any of the fine citizens who read my blog 'hoi polloi'...

I Really, Really, Really, Really, Really, Really, Really, Really, Really, Really, Really, Really, Really, Really, Really, Really, Really Like Coke.

Obey your thirst ™ Sprite, but a greater delight
Will not leave your temperament blue
Half a cup in the morning picks me up when I’m yawning
And the rest of my family too.

Always ™ the liquid is voted ubiquitous
As the pure essence of bliss
What I’m wanting to know is how they make it glow
Gotta get to the bottom of this.

Containing unseen, ‘neath a caramel sheen
Caffeine is laced heavily ‘pon it
Half a ml of this factor would power a tractor
Even one with zilch under the bonnet.

My Coke, good folk, is my tinny, my toke
My hookah I feel I must share
‘Twixt the cup and the lip of my sweet candy flip
‘Ticipation’s what hangs in the air.

Socrates once wrote that acting the goat
Is the E-Pit-O-Me of a joke
He was a great thinker, also a great drinker
What is Phil-Os-O-Phy without Coke?

The ultimate brain drink, the one keep-me-sane drink
My tongue knows no greater sensation
A kick to the mental (not subtle or gentle)
Cognition ignition stimulation.

Want to get wired, or feel inspired?
Your choice is the measure you take
You tire? Acquire the fire the buyer
Of Coke gets, sleepers awake!

My first sip, I quip, was like the crack of a whip
The first time I really awoke
Forget the Prozacs™, kick back and relax
At your elbow a cool glass of Coke.

Do you feel blue inside? Contemplate suicide?
Are endorphins allergic to you?
Hear now my voice, you have but one choice,
Only costing a dollar or two.

For a can or a bottle, go from nil to full throttle,
Energize your tired body right through.
Even swallow the dregs, for you have hollow legs,
Coke is good for filling out too.

With Coke in proximity, nothing can limit me
So they call me Mr Fahrenheit
No one can think quicker or speak any slicker
In the heat of my Coke-fuelled insight

But no-one could force me ever to endorse ‘V’
Unless they were hulking and green.
Pepsi? Don’t kid me, it’s all too plain to see
It spells ‘septic’ with a little more p in!

A bottle in front of me, or a frontal lobotomy?
Where Coke’s concerned it’s no game.
So quit your musing, for thinking of choosing
Any other drink would feel the same.

Enjoy™ Coca-Cola, the drink, call it ‘solar’
Why? Cause it shines from the shelf.
In fact, buy it quickly, for I’m getting a sickly
Feeling I’ll steal it myself.

So that's it... and it's all true. I feel like I've been very productive this evening, even if the truth has been more like reruns of every product of my life shown end on end. For the benefit of you, my dear readers :)

The last time, I promise...

2006-08-07T04:30:00.000-07:00

OK, this is the last predominantly picture post. I'm even starting to think of some words to write down in this blog of mine!

One more time...

2006-08-07T04:18:00.000-07:00

Maybe it would help to explain some of the pictures, rather than posting them all higgledy-piggledy? How about you make up your own stories, and post them under 'comments'??

But that's not all...

2006-08-07T04:14:00.000-07:00

Or maybe it is? I tried earlier to upload more than 5 photos in consecutive blogs, but it didn't seem to work. Here goes nothing...

After "great" photos?

2006-08-07T03:43:00.000-07:00

If you've been referred here with alluring promises of great photos by a friend of mine... and by 'referred here' you mean 'forced by boredom' and 'alluring promises' you mean 'threats' and 'great' you mean 'crap' and 'photos' you mean 'pxts' and 'friend' you mean Scotty.... You've come to the right place!!!! What can I do but oblige, you wonderful patrons of the arts? Enjoy an exciting selection from the past couple of years.

Port Vila Vista

2006-07-17T03:52:00.000-07:00

So... I haven't managed to find the time to put up an account of my overseas experience. So I decided to write a thousand words, or at least the pictorial equivalent.

Any questions?

Seven days in sunny July

2006-07-13T04:52:00.000-07:00

And now it all comes crashing down... But I must admit it was nice to get back to work and have my finger on the pulse once again.

I learned a few things while on the cruise. They are as follows:
a) Hypnotism is a load of bollocks. Not like I didn't think that before; this just proved it beyond any shadow of a doubt.
b) Tropical islands don't mean warm water. Not in New Caledonia at least.
c) Not unlike in Gary Larson comics, there is not a hell of a lot to do on tropical islands. Not that that matters; it's kind of the point.
d) When I got off the ship at the end, the earth moved under my feet. Everyone else just affected not to notice. The Emperor's New Clothes, I tell you!

I can't be bothered explaining further tonight, or uploading any pictures. They take forever!

Further bulletins later. When I can be bothered.

Could be next year then, I guess.

Just Cruising

2006-06-30T05:02:00.000-07:00

Even more excuse not to make any further blog entries for a while - I'm gearing up for a 10 day cruise on the "Pacific Sun" to Vanuatu! This one's been in the pipeline for a while, but it has really raced up. Let's hope it won't race by. Although I could imagine my begrudging readers wanting it to be over quickly, or for the water to be filled with huge icebergs. Or perhaps both, the 'over with quickly' being as a result of the giant icebergs. Yeah whatever, sea travel is safe as houses (in Johannesburg).

Wimbledon highlights are playing and Lisa Raymond is losing to Venus Williams. It will be nice to leave all these mundane stressors behind for a week.

Even though I'm blue...

2006-06-29T04:35:00.000-07:00

Times are changing... On Monday night Dom and I decided to forgo the usual Desperate Housewives fare and invite Scotty over for a games night for old time's sake. We played 'Betrayal..' mentioned below, but the good guys lost, Malc and Mix giving in to the niggling lycanthropy that had been bugging them, but Scotty and Dom deciding to die rather than hunt me down. Kudos to the kudos mates team. The night was still a young 10.30 when we finished so we decided to go out for a game of cut-throat pool. Scotty was destined to be 'd'Arcys' (denominations 1-5, don't ask why), but in the end d'Arcy was destined evidently to be the winner, and even cleaned up the white ball on the final shot!

The night ended on a kudos note (apart from the whole saying goodbye to Scotty thing) because I don't want to use words like beautiful, cathartic, emotional or soulful. None of that crap. We discussed power tools and monster trucks. Then we took some pics of us in the altogether. ... um I mean, with all of us together, ehe heh, I might shut up now.

Check out the soulful shot with the beautiful ambience showing Scotty in a cathartic expression of emotion... Damn it! And I thought I could at least make it to the end of this blog entry without using any one of those words, let alone all of them? I really will shut up now, but much kudos to Scotty and his blog, he can even put a positive spin on my shortcomings! Now, if only I could lose graciously now and then...

Bells are ringing

2006-06-25T05:00:00.000-07:00

OK, false alarm. Blogspot had some server error and nothing was updated for an hour or so. I am leaving the withdrawn post in, however, just so as to prove I do update my blog now and then. More "then" than "now".

Why point out the speck in my eye when there's a blog in your own?

2006-06-25T04:49:00.000-07:00

I'm not a student anymore; why does my blog fail to recognise this? To the left it would have you believe nothing has changed for the past year! Personal life/love life, sure, nothing has changed in the past 5 years - it may never - but as far as my professional life goes I'm a successful, officious and maladjusted lawyer! (Pity the two extra perfect describing words for me had to have such negative connotations :) ) Did I fail to mention that earlier? I was so sure I had had it sounded from the rooftops.

He got game

2006-06-25T04:12:00.000-07:00

April! I can't believe that's when my last post was!? OK, but I have plenty of excuses like wedding ring plus work contract equals...

But aside from my passion there is also my latest craze - Munchkin and Betrayal at the House on the Hill. Me, the flatties, Justus and Matt Caradus all played them for about 7 hours straight today!

Munchkin is pretty standard fare, but captivating nonetheless. It's a basic card game which sees everyone on a race to get to level 10 first. You have races, classes, and various bonus items and you gotta try and kill monsters and gain levels without anyone else cursing you (which happens in many senses, often after the game is over), interfering in your fights or otherwise hurting your chances of victory. Simple, but addictive.

And the other is Betrayal at the House on the Hill, in which you explore a creepy house which all too soon becomes haunted - one of the players becoming treacherous. The rest of the players have to follow the 'Guide to Survival' and find out which one of the many scenarios is taking place. There are 50 different possible 'haunts' and it involves the traitor (and often his lackeys) against the rest of the group in many wildly varying storylines. We played 3 games straight; amazing how they're never the same twice!

The ghost of weekend past

2006-04-03T02:36:00.000-07:00

Hmm, I just remembered what I did last weekend. Not that I have any photos to prove it. Whether or not it's worth describing it now, after I've put that doubt in your mind remins to be seen but...

I went up to Oamaru with Total Bads and Wanessaaa to Graham's boss' 40th! Together with a bunch of randoms, we split into two teams and played a 20/20 cricket game. For some reason I ended up on the side of the hick locals (that was just a first impression flavoured with sour grapes because I thought I'd gotten myself stuck in a team full of people who believed the cricket bats were for hitting each other!) but they actually turned out to be quite the competitors, especially Rodney himself (Graham's boss) who cannot stand to lose! Fortunately it was one of those rare occasions I stepped up and bowled some Steve with my straight slow non-turning legspin! Kudos! That wasn't quite enough for poor old (40 years old! Steve!) Rodney who hadn't made his desired 30 runs in our run chase of 133, and he was left pacing and muttering about how we were destined for failure! This didn't translate into wise decisions, and he bumped someone up above me in the batting order. OK, as a cricketer I was a player who blew hot and cold, but against any ordinary bowling, the ball would end up over the fence. Finally I got out there and made 9 off 6, the final 4 coming off my bat with 3 balls to spare. Man, I was Rodney's best mate after that (which earned me amnesty from a beating from him after he thought I was insulting him later in the night.)

It was a learning experience, including learning that Pimms cannot be consumed without lemonade, no matter how much Total Bads stresses otherwise. I can still taste the ickiness.

Great buffet tea, great band! Vanessa even had a great experience with some random female who was determined to force her backside into Vanessa's face. Sure, it was kinda uncomfortable for her, but just sooo funny to watch!

The band was 'Black Velvet', an outfit from Christchurch who sang some of their own songs, but predominantly Irish music. Both were brilliant! I never knew I was so well versed on Pogues lyrics! Fortunately the band were a whole lot more attractive than the said Pogues. And they had a pirate who played the mandolin, among other things. Singing in an Irish accent sounds cheesy, but they pulled it off very well.

We stayed the night in the coach house which was pleasant, but Vanessa froze regardless. The home help stayed in the room next door and they were pretty doahh, I must say. Shame on them, but they got friendlier as the night went on, and smelt more sweetly of alcohol :)

Me, Graeheme and Vanessa and two others went for a bike ride the next morn... Of course Graheme's brother and 'the help' got shafted, and given kiddie bikes to ride. Fortunately we rubbed this in, and Graeheme swapped with me halfway... So much better! We rode about 20km, visited another classy homestead, and took absolutely no pictures! Argh! Oh, no, I think Graeheme might have, so I'll see about uploading a few.

The ride home involved the Elephant Rocks and a Jon tour guide of an imaginary movie set. So imagine you were there, and you've just received a similar experience to my woefully inept guided tour! Ah well, at least we found the location :)

What else happened? Oh yeah, we went back to Dunedin. You don't have to imagine what that was like...

Two posts again?

2006-03-20T00:06:00.000-08:00

So I thought I'd do another post, not just because I'm in working mode, but because I just remembered what I did this past weekend. Saturday night was Rosie Geddes' 21st, and she had a barn dance, which I called. I decided that this was going to be the last barn dance I would *ever* call. It was not because I didn't have fun, it was incredibly fun. Not because it was too hard, it only took about half an hour of preparation. It was because I was not able to do my real passion, as it were, in line dancing! Yeah, line dancing is the best fun, though many may not agree, it's also the most fun to call, and means you, as the caller, can join in really easily. No one ever considers what the poor lonely caller is feeling, being left out of the group dances and all, do they? Rosie, if you're reading this, my calling the barn dance was your present. Not that I ever charge for my services, I believe that not having to go through the stress of buying a present is a nice even set-off against my calling. Total bads would agree, no doubt. Anything to get out of such a burden of responsibility. Hm, rather a boring post. OK, here's something to liven it up. These are real domain names you should probably look at twice:

PenIsland.com
BigAls.com
MoleStationNursery.com
TherapistFinder.com
KidsExchange.com
ViaGrafix.com

Muhaha!

A holiday for the rest of the public

2006-03-19T23:58:00.000-08:00

Today was supposed to be a public holiday, but certain considerations of dedication need to be taken into account. Today was a profs practice assessment day, so not only did I have to get up early for observation, I had to go back home, write a whole bunch of submissions, go back to town and do the 'interlocutory hearing', then head into work to tie up a couple of loose ends. Not that it was all bad, I took opposing counsel apart (and the judge too, when he asked me any questions) but I was set up to lose, unfortunately. Ah well, at least, after all those years of Uni and law study, it turned out that I actually wound up enjoying what I do... How rare is that, eh?

What gets me up in the morning

2006-03-16T01:11:00.000-08:00

Ok, I'm feeling inspired enough to do two posts tonight... Could set the first in a very short line of personal literary records. I'm tempted to stop there, but I was inspired for a reason, and this was it:
AUSSIES POST 434 in a ONE DAY INTERNATIONAL and LOSE! The fact that it was South Africa that beat them was just the icing on the cake, I was happy just knowing Oz got their arrogant asses soundly whipped! Of course this may change the game of cricket for ever, let's hope we'll be seeing more of this kind of headline.

Support/Readership/Fans/Stalkers

2006-03-16T01:05:00.000-08:00

Wow! I just found out I had readers! That's right, readerS!! I'd thank them all individually, but they both know who they are.

Beginning of the End

2006-03-05T01:38:00.000-08:00

It just hit me the other day... This is the welcome to the rest of my life, no more study, no more initiation, as soon as I finish profs that will be it. It's hard to believe, but I'm one of the people that you entrust with your legal issues! Weird thought, I don't think it will properly sink in till I actually get the hang of my job and don't have to ask anyone else what I should be doing every ten minutes or so. I don't reckon that's gonna happen anytime soon...

The End of the Innocence

2006-03-03T01:42:00.000-08:00

I'm going in to work at Woolworths tomorrow for the third last time. I've had a great run there, but five and a half years down the track, the sun is setting on my time (positively dripping with cheese). My boss Andy, one of the funniest guys I know, has thrown in the towel and is leaving for Australia on the 18th of March. So through absolute coincidence, my leaving surprisingly fell on that day too. We've had some of the most entertaining Saturday mornings in the butchery listening to the most rubbish music, and plan to spearhead an expose regarding our recent discovery that Sixties and Seventies music was chiefly penned by paedophiles. You don't believe me? I have volumes of music to prove you wrong, not only by Gary Glitter... Songs like 'Young Girl', 'You're Sixteen', 'Hey Little Girl', 'Frozen Orange Juice', 'Mrs Brown You've Got a Lovely Daughter', 'Are You Old Enough', 'Girl You'll Be a Woman Soon' and last but not least 'Thank Heaven For Little Girls.'

I say thank heaven for jails and discerning folks such as Andy and I who spot such people trying to pass themselves off as the very picture of innocence because 'no-one would even consider such behaviour' back then... Hmmm. So that's my stance on that.

Next week we address exhibitionism in old music. For background research, listen to the song 'Splish Splash.' Laying down a completely objective standard, he must have had some idea that there was a party going on before he strolled out naked...

The most reliable resource for intellectual stimulation

2006-03-03T01:34:00.000-08:00

Want to see the stupidest and most undeserving waste of space ever? Well if you're reading this blog, then the answer is obviously yes... But it's not my questionable achievements I'm talking about this time, but very very close. Visit http://www.jon.beck.blogspot.com/ and you'll see what I mean. Nothing to do with me, I couldn't be that random if I was paid!

Great News!

2006-02-25T00:58:00.000-08:00

Depends on your definition of great, of course, but I just remembered the name and login of this blog for the first time in 6 months! So no promises, but there may be more posts arriving soon. Yeah....but the corollary is my sievelike memory providing me with the password every time! Argh, isnt life cruel?

Either way...

2005-09-07T15:11:00.000-07:00

Sometimes an outcome will never be favourable whichever way it comes out. The US Open tonight involves a showdown between Andre Agassi and James Blake. So the old pro, and old favourite vs. the wildcard who made Rafael Nadal look goofy. The up and coming star has suddenly made his mark on the world stage, and is looking to be the dark horse to win. Watching people like Federer and Dent play is boring, and more of the same, but Agassi has always been a pleasure to watch, and Blake makes the game exciting by being full of comebacks and amazing energy, just refusing to lie down and die. I don't know if I can bear to watch...

2005-09-07T14:18:00.000-07:00

This is the best time of year for sports watching, and consequently the worst for working, as you may have guessed, this suits me just fine. Last night I watched a beautiful cricketing performance by New Zealand, only hampered by the fact they have an awful record of failure in finals. It's amazing how a team as a whole can lose confidence, but India make it look as easy as misplacing your car keys.

2005-09-05T17:23:00.000-07:00

Par-tay!

2005-09-05T17:00:00.000-07:00

Went to a Bling-bling party on Saturday, hosted by my bro Graeheme's boss and his wife, at the very prestigious venue of Corstorphine house. I took Neelam, Graeheme took Michelle, and we had them over for dinner first, perhaps to contrast the differing styles between the Beck household and the local 5-star. No comparision was necessary. Arrived fashionably late and took a look round all the rooms upstairs, for everyone was busy downstairs, the ladies gossiping and the men watching the rugby, which I casually dropped in on every so often. The suites were awesome! Indian room, Moroccan room, Art Deco room, Egyptian room, French room, Scandinavian room and Japanese room. Unfortunately it was the modern equivalent of each of these cultures, so no eunuchs in loincloths waved palm fronds in any of the rooms, much to the disappointment of the girls, ho ho. Still classy though. A delicious wine and cheese spread was served soon after the game, and there was even a Bordeaux room available, in which anyone was free to enter and try a 2001 vintage... OK, not much of a vintage, but still Bordeaux. Graeheme, I and our plus ones did Ceroc dancing on the dance floor for a while, well, I did what moves I could remember, until it began to fill up with sloshed old folks dancing hard out to the BeeGees. All I wanted later in the night was a Coke, but this place was much too classy and they could only offer Heineken, Stella, Macs, Champers, Bordeaux or sparkling water. I wasn't in the mood for drinking much at all, so I opted for the weird lack of taste in sparkling water. Dancing continued well into the night, we eventually left at around 12.45am, around the same time as my old Columba school principal. Scary, am I getting older or is she getting cooler? Having us there did bring the average age at the party down to about 37, but who says oldies don't know how to get down? Here are a couple of pics.

2005-09-02T21:12:00.000-07:00

Recently back from a day out with my kudos mate Dom, in which we assessed how much we'd achieved respectively in the past 4 years or so. Its the same thing anually, we go to the beach out at Warrington, drink coke, discuss the girls we've known/liked/brushed off in the past year. Funny thing is, we've gotten precisely *nowhere* in that regard, wondering how long we can keep achieving nothing and still consider ourselves 'young'... Well, still a while yet, hopefully. After the beach trip we went to the Truby King reserve at Seacliff. Talking about it doesn't result in too much, but took a few cool snaps :)

Personal comments

2005-08-31T22:10:00.000-07:00

Oh, this is a great blog, you must be interested in advertising management, drop by sometime! Loved your blog, I have some great manhood enlargement pills, pop two every hour if you have the time! Spam just invades everywhere, but it is nice that these computers at least take the time to acknowledge how much their circuits enjoyed your blog. I felt quite proud that an inanimate object could show such deep appreciation, regardless of what they were asking in return.

2005-08-30T19:05:00.000-07:00

And in the spirit of everything else that's going on in my life, things were happening so fast that I thought I'd better document it all. Such things like waking up at 10 instead of 9, and having two cokes with lunch rather than the regular one. Quite an exciting life I lead, I know, but I'm pretty sure that no-one who blogs would blog if their lives were a little more happening? I mean, when do they find time to write such copiously overflowing hourly bulletins? I'm excused, I have a much-envied timetable of two days a week at university, which leaves a lot of room open for the deeper contemplation of life. Plus Scotty came up with the idea of blogging before me, so when I completely independently came up with the idea of doing my own weblog about 30 seconds after finding out about Scotty's new manifesto (www.scottydonaldson.blogspot.com) *completely independently*, may I reiterate, I blatantly jettisoned any hope of originality and came up with this.